April 2002

Dear Dale: Your suggestion to "Bruiser" in March's column is insensitive if not infantile. I believe it immoral to cross off prior lovers and partners from my list of close friends because I will always love them, and am responsible enough not to invalidate our history. You seem to boast about monogamy even though your philosophy devalues those outside the committed couple. As a gay man, and a human being, I find your values selfish and mean-spirited. I would go so far as to say your definition of "love" does more to divide than unite our community. Could you imagine what the gay community would be like if we refused to remain friends with anyone we have been attracted or committed to? The loneliness would be overwhelming. I am happy in a life filled with people I once loved, and still do. I guess you propose we leave a trail of tattered hearts behind us. I strongly disagree, and beg you to consider becoming more humane and gay-socialized. There are many things about our people that we should take pride in. One of them is our unending love and compassion for others whom the status quo would shun. You're sounding more and more like a straight person every day, Dale. Clyde in Santa Clara via e-mail

Dear Clyde: In principle, I agree with you that one never stops loving someone they have loved. But my reader wanted to know how to get his partner to stop bringing up his ex as a topic of conversation at every turn - including over dinner with my reader's mother and father. That's a topic very different from "shun[ning]" an ex. If contact with prior partners does not interfere with a couple's happiness, then they can certainly do whatever works for them. But I can guarantee you that no relationship comes without its own challenges. Due to inter- and intra-personal constraints, all couples must agree to certain boundaries that promote harmony and minimize conflict. Those boundaries differ from one couple to the next. I would never "suggest" that one of my readers "leave a trail" of hurt feelings; rather, I recommend they love one individual well. As to your comment that I am, "sounding more . . . like a straight person every day," I find that difficult to believe in that my column specifically addresses gay issues drawing from my own personal and professional experience.

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