April 2003

Dear Dale: I moved here from Chicago in March, a job transfer. Tonight I picked up OutNow Newsmagazine at Badlands in San Francisco, and am amazed by your column. I also picked up a trick who just left my apartment. The morning twilight makes me feel empty. For some reason I am thinking about my first sexual experience. My mother and father caught me in bed with my best friend in high school. Ever since then, my parents have been my worst critics. They said not to move to San Francisco because it’s a gay city. I have a problem controlling impulses. I lash out at any boyfriends I care about. Right now I am depressed because a good man left me just before I decided to relocate. He told me I have commitment issues. I told him he wasn’t perfect either, to avoid talking about my problems. I can’t share my inner self. I have uncontrollable financial fear. This upsets men I date because I make and save more. But I split all expenses 50/50. Sexually, I have no problems. I suppose life is okay alone. But I would like to believe I could have a partner. Any comments? -- Toby via e-mail from San Francisco

Dear Toby: Whenever a fear arises, envision its flip-side. Use fear to identify and manifest its opposite. If you feel empty, envision what full is: smile, and you are at union with the morning twilight that bathes you in warmth. The flip-side of your parents’ criticisms makes you happy. How lucky to live in a place where you can choose friends who reinforce your healthy gay identity. How blessed you are to have had your first sexual experience in high school; remember the romance. You are not the fears of others. You are the manifestation that flows into self-creation.How does it feel to envision yourself together with a partner after one decade, two, and four? You know what makes each other happy. You sleep as one. You build his self-esteem, and he yours. Feel what it is like to enrich each other’s lives.What is the flip-side of financial fear? Invite a beautiful man to a nice restaurant and pick up the tab. Envision the tears of happiness on your partner’s cheek, the tenderness of his touch, when you build a comfortable home for the two of you to share.

You are the same as us all, Toby: duality (pain and pleasure) striving for union (love). Identify with the flip-side of fears and flow into self-creation. Fear judges commitment as an obligation. Creation knows commitment is a choice. Follow up with my readers and me in six months, would you? We envision hearing how exponentially full of love your life IS.

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