April 2004

Dear Dale: I moved to Los Gatos from the Denver area 17 months ago. I had an 11 year relationship with a woman in Colorado. We broke up one year ago. My company transferred me by request to the Bay Area, the most beautiful place I have called home. I have already met a few women here because I get out. But unfortunately I attract women I am not interested in. When I meet someone I am interested in I cannot approach her because I freeze up. Is there anything I can do to attract the right women? I am particularly interested in fixing the freezing-up part. I feel very frustrated. --Newly Single from Los Gatos via e-mail

Dear Newly Single: Welcome to the Bay Area. In Denver and Los Gatos or anywhere else you may reside, nearly everyone you meet will not become your life-partner. It is normal that you don't have a romantic interest in most women. Feeling frustrated, shy and tense often derives from an unreasonable expectation that partnering is a quick mission to fulfill. Rather, an individual who accepts being single--yet has an intention to partner--is more likely to do and say the right things at the right time in order to fulfill their mission. What, you may ask, is "accepts being single."

Acceptance sees that the purpose of the matchmaking process is to find that one right fit. It knows that every candidate met, until the right one manifests, will not be the right one; and that is okay. Acceptance does not judge a situation--like being single--as either good or bad. It simply is what it is. Acceptance pushes through emotional barriers--like shyness--by choosing to engage in conversation with any attractive candidate as appropriate. It makes necessary compromises without violating fundamental values. And acceptance enables you to be your well-reasoned and heartfelt self--without concern for impressing others--in all situations, even when you are highly attracted to someone.

One reaches acceptance either as a result of study or through the wearing down of unrealistic expectations over time. You pick the way you gain acceptance of your situation. Then love's path unfolds with ease and grace.

<< Back To Advice Page