April 2006
Dear Dale: I am a 37-year-old male in a three-year relationship with a man that I love very much. He is loving, caring, considerate, attentive, a wonderful cook, and the only man I have trusted 100 percent. He and I have talked about buying a home and moving in together. But I am having second thoughts. The last eight months I have found my interest in sex with him has declined to almost none. I do not want to tell him because I am afraid of hurting his feelings. Unfortunately, I have gone out of the relationship a few times to satisfy my sexual needs anonymously. This is what I do not understand. I am sexually active. But I am not interested in having sex with my own partner, a man that I love. Any advice? –What Is Wrong With Me? via email from San Jose
Dear What: I almost always need to introduce clients to multiple—sometimes a dozen or more—objectively strong fits before we strike that special and powerful chemistry necessary to sustain a lifelong match. It is not enough to love and trust a partner. There must be a passionate and mutual need, which transmutes into union. If, however, you feel the chemistry is there, yet you are blocked from accessing it, then please weigh input from several of my couples that have been together monogamously for over ten years. On your behalf, I have talked with them about their sex lives.
Generally, they say that sex is easy during the first seven to ten years—depending upon the individual. Then it takes on a position of “responsibility” according to one client, “I love my partner so much that I take responsibility for sex. When I committed to him I gave up the kind of anonymous sex that pulled me away from prior partners. It took time to get used to. But now I could not imagine becoming a victim to that kind of secret, lonely, and empty life again.”
One couple finds sex more “challenging” since the “romantic phase” of the relationship passed. Says one party, “After ten years it takes creativity. We talk about each other’s fantasies, which was really embarrassing and scary at first. I thought he would feel hurt when I told him about my fantasies that are different from his. But he embraces them. It totally satisfies me that he listens to and honors my needs.”
One couple sought sex therapy when, after nine years in union, intimacy waned. They engaged a process that began with non-sexual massage combined with mutual praise until they seduced each other anew. They now have “date nights” once per week. “We prize our union. In a way, part of you needs to die. You go through grief over that. That compulsive and mysterious part of you dies, but only after fighting for its life first. There were times when the individual struggled against the union. But we need each other so passionately that the union won.”
Couples need powerful chemistry in addition to being otherwise matched well. Then they need to talk about how to keep sex alive, just as they talk about every other aspect of union. So my advice is to communicate now rather than prolonging it. Whether with each other, or in another relationship, you both deserve to be matched well. The longer you wait, the more damage you do as a result of any continued dishonesty. Fear not, for authenticity reigns well.
<< Back To Advice Page |
