August 2004

Dear Dale,
I have been looking for a partner since I was 31. At 43 my friends and I wonder why I am still single. I am a monogamous guy. I dated eleven different men in the last ten years. I was faithful to each when we were dating. The longest relationship I had was four months. I decided against four men because we were incompatible. The others decided against me for the same reason. I always read your column for ideas. It is hard to want something so much that is outside my control to a large degree. I am feeling particularly disappointed while writing to you because I was falling in love with a man. He told me he still wants to date others. I was being faithful to him. I guess a few months is not enough time to fall in love deeply. But I had to end it because it was just too painful for me. It’s the in-between zone that knocks me unsteady. Do you experience these kinds of challenges in your work? Or if I find the right match, will it be easier and more natural? I don’t particularly like all this work. –Lonely Lucas via e-mail from Mill Valley

Dear Lonely,
You seem to be asking the question whether a mission to partner is worth the price—transitory feelings of disappointment, impatience and anxiety—you are paying for it. My answer is yes. A metaphor for the pursuit of love or any worthy endeavor, a great poet wrote:

“I bargained with life for a penny, and Life would pay no more. However I begged at evening, when I counted my scanty score./For Life is a just employer, it gives you what you ask. But once you have set the wages, then you must bear the task./I worked for a menial’s hire, only to learn—dismayed. That any wage I had asked of Life, Life would have willingly paid.”

I encourage you to keep asking for love, though a sustained effort be necessary. Poignant, one never knows how love’s path will unfold until it does. This causes feelings of uncertainty that one can learn to deal with constructively through persistence. It is ironic that a certain level of detachment from the outcome you desire is fundamental to attaining it.

Yes. I experience the same kinds of challenges in my work that you experience while serving as your own matchmaker. No. When you find the right match it will not necessarily feel “easy and natural” right away. Even when the three fundamentals—chemistry, compatibility, and the ability to commit in the same way—are present, personality conflicts can get in the way initially. Rather than giving up just because things get painful temporarily, two different personality types can often learn to honor each other’s needs, and develop compatible communication styles.

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