August 2005

Dear Dale, I feel emotionally connected with a man who can be very difficult. Fortunately or not, I have fallen in love with him. Since leaving his native country my boyfriend has always lived alone. I think the reason for this is that most people cannot tolerate him. He had a very tough life as a child that hardened him because he literally had to fight to survive. He can be very charming when he gets what he wants. But sometimes I see him throw tantrums when he does not. It is embarrassing for me to be with him around other people like servers in restaurants when he snaps at them.

On the good side, he is a genius with a great sense of humor. We laugh a lot together. He reaches every material milestone he sets. We have lots of fun playing tennis and skiing. He tells me that he loves me. I very much like the way he treats me. There is something special about how he lets me into his emotional life, a real intimacy. I am considering his proposal to move into his home soon.

Is it possible to love and be happy with someone who treats you well but is unkind to others, Dale? I am not sure it would do any good to tell me not to see him. I am already hooked. But I take comfort in your column, and will consider what you have to say. --Mick in Los Gatos via e-mail

Dear Mick: One of love’s ironies is that we must accept both the strengths and weaknesses of our partners. This does not mean you should reward or encourage any “difficult” behavior. But I believe the priority is how you and he relate. When possible, influence him positively. For example, when he is rude to a server, lean over, touch his hand, and say softly “Now you be nice.” People do not change overnight, even though love ultimately heals many wounds.

I advise you to keep lifelines open to family, friends, career, and at least one independent hobby. His personality type may have a tendency to progressively encroach upon all your individual turf if you do not maintain a piece of it. This can be done in a loving way that also ensures plenty of time together as a couple. Advise him now of your other interests and commitments, and keep him accustomed to a schedule that leaves you each some independence.

I strongly encourage you to have a few months of couples counseling before moving in together. Please follow up with my readers and me in the next year to tell us how happy you are, and that your union is strong.

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