August 2006

I just celebrated my one-year anniversary with my partner at the end of May. Michael lives in LA; I in SF. He's 41, I 52. We met at a men’s retreat, and are both low-income guys who are prudent but far from cushy as to material lifestyle.

Michael and I have been discussing sharing our lives via moving in together. He wishes to remain in LA as he has close ties to his brother and family there, plus his church. I've been in SF for over 26 years, and own half a condo with my housemate of 23 years, thus being more materially grounded here than Michael in LA, who rents.

I'm willing, but fearful, about making such a radical change at my middle-aged circumstance, to a city I know somewhat (was born in Santa Monica), but which I left at age 14 in 1968.

Can you offer any “reassurance,” which seems to be my biggest hunger these days, about how to gradually prepare my mind, spirit, and body for the rigors of clearing out hundreds of pounds of personal effects, making this move in a few months, and avoiding “acting out” emotionally during the inevitable times when the crazed congestion of Michael's part of LA gets to me, and I may feel alienated and in a kind of socio-geographical shock?

Am planning to have a document drawn up whereby my housemate of many years can stay on in our TIC condo, with a roommate of his choice, some three years more, at the end of which, if all's fine with my relationship with Michael, he'd have to either buy me out or we'd have to sell, so my equity here isn't tied up forever. In LA, at Steve's and my financial circumstance, we'll always be renters.

My big issue, though, is the emotional adaptation to an area that, though by no means all “bad” or lacking in a certain voyeuristic stimulus, is certainly environmentally more challenging than tiny, user-friendly hyper-familiar SF, and the fact that will be dependent on Michael for all of my socio-emotional support for some time after this monumental transfer of fortunes is accomplished.

Thanks for your comments. –Louis from SF via email

Dear Louis: Your choice to relocate shows how highly you value love. I agree that Michael’s family ties and worship community provide sufficient reason for you to move there rather than vice versa for a piece of real estate. Your free choice to relocate supercedes any acting out to the contrary. The agreement with your property co-owner is perfect, including time-line. Each piece of material clutter you gift, sell, recycle, or toss creates a little more space for love to fill.

Clarify your intentions as a couple with a therapist or spiritual advisor. Together, identify how to create a “home” filled with love, acceptance, peace, and comfort. Aim for thirty days to select and use the right LA venues that develop your own interests, establish a social circle, and promote a healthy work-life. Give yourself a reasonable time-line of about one year to settle in.

And so at age 51 you choose to place home—your family—at the center of your life. It is the right time for you. So does LA become your fresh canvass to paint. We envision everyone well and happy.

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