August 2007

Dear Dale: My partner and I have been together eight years. We used to have sex all the time, but the frequency is falling way off. A couple of times per month has become the norm unless we’re on vacation. Is it reasonable to put up with having sex only twice each month? I prefer it daily, but would settle for twice a week. When I raise the subject my partner tells me it’s not sexy to apply pressure. So now I’m afraid to bring it up again. I love my partner. So I want to work through this. –Alexis, Austin TX

Dear Alexis: It seems you two communicate differently. You are more direct, and he, more indirect. These are both effective communication styles so long as their owners are well intended. Direct communicators talk about their feelings and actions. Indirect communicators feel and act without talking about it. You might consider mirroring your partner’s communication style as a way to reach him.

For example, rather than talking about sexual closeness, create the most favorable circumstances for it. Cook dinner for your partner, give him a massage, flirt with him, challenge his intellect, and help him laugh. In my experience, these are the kinds of behaviors that sustain passionate love.

Dear Dale: I have been left by everyone I ever trusted. When I found out I have HIV in 1992 my brother said “I told you so.” That was the last time we talked. My first and longest partner died. I don’t get the idea that people want a commitment so much as have a liaison. Why do I keep trying again and again to have a relationship? –Doug, San Francisco

Dear Doug: There are many beautiful aspects to life. Having a partner is one of them. Others include, for example, making and keeping friends, creating an interesting work life, engaging in a spiritual practice, and developing avocations. The part—finding a partner—cannot be separated from the whole—leading a meaningful life. So long as you keep this in perspective, then I recommend you remain open to finding a partner. But first you might take a little break to refresh, and to give yourself a pat on the back for being so resilient.

<< Back To Advice Page