December 2000

Dear Dale: I have been with my partner four years. We get along but have no sex life. I'm hoping you can tell me how to bring romance back into our lives, and have the time to enjoy it. I'm shy when it comes to sex. I know that getting over that would make my partner happy, and make our lives a little better. She's far more experienced than I, and I'm afraid she'll find me ignorant. Thank you. Shy via letter

Dear Shy: My response is just one suggestion. Though you may not to use it literally, it may give rise to ideas. It has taken time for you two to grow apart intimately. It will take time for you to grow back together. Set a reasonable time-line so neither of you feels rushed. Perhaps that period will be six weeks, or three months. The purpose of time-lines is to be certain you make progress. If not, you can reevaluate.

Establish what interests excite her. Pick one of them that you have not shared yet. Maybe it's horseback riding, gardening, soccer or cooking. Talk with a friend who knows about it. Research it on the web. Go to your local library. Then set aside three days on your calendar, and tell her to pick one of them. Specify that day is just for the two of you. Make all the plans on your own. Continue developing this shared interest throughout your relationship. Reacquainting yourselves by spending more time together will set you both at ease, making intimacy more natural.

After reacquainting yourselves, reserve a table at a restaurant she favors. Have a single red rose placed on her plate before you arrive. If money is scarce, you may prepare the meal at home. But do not scrimp if you have something set aside for a rainy day. Investing your resources in your life-partnership needs to be a top priority. When you arrive home from dinner, play her favorite music and give her a head-to-toe massage by candlelight. You don't have to be an experienced masseuse. Lightly rub her with the palms of your hands. Then use your fingertips as if her skin were piano keys. If she falls asleep, cuddle next to her.

When you feel it right, tell her how much you love her, and want her. Tell her you want to learn how to please her, and that you want her to show you. The rest will take care of itself.

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