December 2001

Dear Dale: I?m just wondering how I might fit into your prediction scheme, whether I might fail or succeed at love. I?ve recently met a man I am very fond of. But I?m not sure whether I?m ?ready? yet. For example, I still worry about what implications a partner would have on my lifestyle (i.e., I?m not ?out? at work -- and don?t think I ever want to be -- and there are just a few situations where I think sexual orientation is completely irrelevant). Questioning in San Jose via e-mail.

Dear Questioning: I have observed that those who engage my matchmaking services do so just prior to or soon after securing what I call a ?Protected Identity,? which I believe is a stage of gay identity formation. Having a Protected Identity is essential to our emotional, social, and, sometimes, physical survival. Protected Identities come in a broad range of choices and mixes, some conducive to marriage, others not. It does not mean that a gay person is ?out? in all respects just because they have a Protected Identity. For example, one learns to recognize those circumstances when sexual orientation is irrelevant. And, one learns that it is even necessary to actively hide or lie about our sexual orientation under certain circumstances. Once we have secured a Protected Identity, however, gay individuals become capable of functioning well, and executing our lives appropriately, in spite of the homophobia around us. This enables us to fulfill our long-term missions, including partnering, without bending to the various homophobic disruptions that can cause failure.

Once we approach or complete a Protected Identity, I believe gays begin a process that I call ?Limited Integration.? Limited Integration means that we integrate into our lives those people (including a partner, if wanted) and choose those circumstances that are good for us. As with Protected Identities, Limited Integration comes in a broad range of choices and mixes, some conducive to marriage, others not. So, my dear reader, you may be more ready for love than you guessed. Not being ?out? at work, and not revealing yourself (under certain circumstances), could be exactly the stances you should be taking.

Identity formation ? and its implications on gay ?marriage? ? is one of the topics I explore in detail in my upcoming book, A Matchmaker Manual for Gay People, Including Selected Success Stories, due for release in June 2002.

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