December 2004

Dear Dale: I am a partner in a successful business. I work out, stay slim, and am often told that I am attractive. It is easy for me to meet men. But I close down emotionally when things get serious. Then I feel sad when it’s over. My friends say I am hopeless. They tire of hearing my woes, and tell me to accept that I will always be single. But I really want a partner. If I am sabotaging, how do I stop it? –Michael via e-mail from Capitola

Dear Michael: In cases of self-sabotage, it is usually the subconscious mind that needs repair. Claude Bristol wrote a classic on mastering the subconscious in 1948, The Magic Of Believing. Much as I read newer authors, Bristol remains best on this subject. Some of what follows quotes and paraphrases Bristol. But his book is much broader and deeper.

The functions of the conscious mind include reason, logic, form, judgment, calculation, conscience, and moral sense. Our conscious mind is the outgrowth of our physical necessities, and our guide in the struggle with our material environment. Many times the solution to a problem results from the use of our conscious mind. But, in cases like yours, when a resolution is not forthcoming, we become exhausted with continued trying. We loose confidence, and resign ourselves to the idea that we have failed and that nothing can be done about it. Here is where the subconscious mind comes in—to help renew our belief in ourselves, to assist us in overcoming our difficulty, and to put us on the road to success.

The powers of the subconscious mind include intuition, emotion, certitude, inspiration, suggestion, deduction, imagination, organization and memory. It operates and performs its highest functions when the conscious mind is quiet. There are certain rules to using the subconscious to our benefit. First, you must be certain that you are asking for something that is realistic given your knowledge, skills and abilities. Next, in conveying your need to the subconscious, it must be in images of the work having already been done. In your case, then, you must see yourself as already happily married. Such a state of belief can only be achieved through repetitive affirmations. Affirmations lead to belief. And belief empowers the subconscious into action.

Now before I get e-mails complaining about my having suggested a mystical as opposed to practical solution, I ask you to try it! If you feel lonely or insecure about being single, then override the negative self-talk with a positive affirmation. Write, edit and memorize a word picture telling the story of your happy marriage to the right partner. A simple example might be, “I am happily married to a kind individual who makes me laugh, stimulates me intellectually, excites me, and is always there for me.” At first insecurities feel stronger than positive affirmations can override. But, after thousands or even millions of repetitions, the mantra of your word picture quiets the conscious mind. And the affirmation sinks down into the subconscious, empowering you. Those same skills you use to attain success in other areas of your life—when aided by subconscious suggestion—help fulfill your mission to partner.

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