December 2005

Dear Dale: Dating excited me when I saw hundreds of possibilities. But all I see now is no possibility whatsoever. I always felt stressed around the first woman I dated seriously. Several months later I discovered why. She had forgotten to put a negative sign before all the digits when she bragged about her high net worth to me. She had three mortgages on her home, but told me it was paid for.

The second one forgot to tell me she had a boyfriend at the same time she and I were talking about moving in together. I discovered her making out with him in his Jeep parked in my driveway. I feel ashamed to say that I still feel attracted to her to this day. She persuades people very effectively because she is charismatic and handsome. So I can’t be around her or I do stupid things.

The third woman might be the last. I thought things were going really nicely. She is financially solvent. She didn’t sleep with anyone else while we were together for nearly one year. But she went off the wagon over the Thanksgiving table at my brother’s home. She is a very mean drunk. It ruined everybody’s celebration. I had to break up with her. So this is nowhere near my best Holiday Season.

Woe is me, Dale. Can you give me some advice on how to refill my spent emotional bank account? –Darlene from Oakland via email

Dear Darlene: Inspiration precedes invention. And invention follows trial and error. So does the matchmaking process run in these cycles—inspiration; re-invention; trial and error; fulfillment or recovery; then back to inspiration; and so on.

Values, worship, family, marriage, vocational purpose, intellectual curiosity and prosperity are some examples of things that inspire. Transitory pain like yours also inspires when properly employed. List—literally take an inventory—of all the aspects to living that inspire you, marriage being only one. We appreciate the blessings before us while also creating space for those yet to deliver.

When a relationship ends, the recovery cycle springs full of possibilities for fine-tuning to avoid old mistakes and, ultimately, attract the right fit. Take time with yourself, friends and family to refresh. Clarify your short- and long-term goals. Set clear standards for future candidates that complement or match your values. Your values—truth, fidelity, and sobriety—are non-complementary or in conflict with those of your prior girlfriends. So develop a matchmaking mix that screens in those candidates that fit your objective criteria. Reciprocal chemistry thrives in this safe space where ambivalence, non-complements, and conflicts minimize.

Recovery, inspiration, re-invention, trial and error, and fulfillment or back to recovery. So unfold the cycles of the matchmaking process. It walks along that path steered by values. And you, Darlene, inspire my readers and me to wish you joyous blessings as this moment fills with boundless possibilities.

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