December 2006

Dear Dale, In 2005 I met a married woman at a dinner party over at my best friend’s house. The married woman came on to me, but I wasn’t having any of it. I don’t date married women not to mention straight ones who are married to my best friend’s brother! Anyway, this same woman came up to me at a local club last weekend. Now she’s divorcing her husband and coming out as gay. She wants a date with me. I feel guilty because I find her very attractive. Should I wait until her divorce is final? Should I tell my friend I want to have a date with his brother’s soon-to-be-ex wife? I imagine this isn’t going to work out. But I can always fantasize, can’t I? –Sara in San Jose via email

Dear Sara, Life gets messy sometimes. Consider meeting for coffee to discuss your mutual intentions up front. Just a fling? To date? More? This talk may change how you feel and affect the action you take. Move slowly for much is uncertain. Should you tell your best friend up front? If it’s just a fling then does anybody need to know besides the two single adults involved? These are questions that only you can answer based on your own values and taking into account the larger context of your situation. Follow up with us next month, would you?

Dear Dale, I’m a San Francisco cabdriver. I work graveyard. This morning at the end of my shift I found an ON on my backseat. It surprises me to read that you encourage gay people to be monogamous. Many times I have had to ask gay men to get out of my cab because they were giving each other oral sex. Another time two gay men came into my neighborhood bar on Geary Street and started fooling around with each other. After the owner kicked them out, these guys stood out front with a pizza box scrolled with “This establishment hates gays.” The owner of that bar and I don’t hate gays. We just don’t want to be around illicit behavior. Could you get the word out for people to watch their manners in cabs and other public places? If they don’t do it in front of their mothers, then they shouldn’t do it in front of me either. –Lucia in SF via email

Dear Lucia, May your fares be polite, and your journeys safe. Thank you for reading ON.

Dear Dale: My boyfriend misplaces everything. His house is a mess. He’s one of those packrats who keeps little pieces of paper that nobody’s allowed to touch. Otherwise he makes a great partner. He’s really sweet, lots of fun, and very sexy. Here’s the problem. He talks more and more about living together. I couldn’t live with all his clutter. But I don’t want to live without him either. Why can’t things just be okay the way they are, Dale? Everybody always wants more. But I’m happy with just enough. –Tweaked in Rockridge via email

Dear Tweaked: If you love him deeply, and want him, then communicate how you feel. Open discussions on how you would want your home together to look and be maintained. Tell him you two might do a practice run by transforming his place into a couple-friendly environment. If he can’t cope with saying goodbye to most of the clutter, then he might end up being the one to suggest continuing to live separately. Or you may end up positively surprised. However you work this out, I envision you two together and happy.

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