February 2005

Dear Dale: My girlfriend drives me crazy with sheer joy and unabashed passion. But I hate looking at her teeth or licking them while kissing. Crooked and bucked, those teeth scare me. She is an artist and does not have the money to fix them. Is it possible I could learn to accept her appearance, Dale? I like to think of myself as an open person, unconcerned with superficialities. She’s beautiful in every other way. But I just don’t want to kiss her anymore. Any ideas? We’ve been dating almost a year. –Addy in San Francisco via e-mail

Dear Addy: Matchmaking teaches that belief in loving commitments transmutes negatives into positives when the fit is right. If the fit is truly right in every other way, then create a way that your girlfriend gets her teeth fixed within a budget that you both contribute to. University of Pacific Dental School and UCSF both have dental schools, where an artist like your girlfriend—who usually has flexible hours—can engage a student dentist to do substantial work frugally, and under the supervision of credentialed dentists of various specialties. Or perhaps you can arrive at another creative solution. Use the honest approach, and let her know how you feel. She may feel excited about fixing her teeth and engage a process to improve her smile. Or she may feel more comfortable with a partner that accepts her as she is. Respectfully, resolution unfolds.

Dear Dale: You do us all disservice by pipe dreaming. Few gays monogamously commit because no two people satisfy each other’s every need. Promote acceptance of the way we really are. Conformity, be it straight or gay, monogamous or non-monogamous, smothers diversity and restrains creativity. Promote love among all types of gay families. I live in Martinez with my partner and his mother. Jason and I stopped having sex years ago. But we are still committed to each other, share the same bed, and make retirement plans. Three decades pass like lightening with him. Monogamy doesn’t work for us. Variety does. Honesty and trust keep us together, not conformity to moral dictums. –Jack in Martinez via e-mail

Dear Jack: Bless your union that it may progressively deepen and build strength. I accept all types of gay families, which is why I am a former president of All Our Families Coalition, support Spectrum Marin, hold respectful interest in many religions, and believe in free choice. My specialty is matchmaking for monogamous partners, just like some mechanics specialize in classic cars and some pianists specialize in jazz. Jack, I envision that lessons on forgiveness, overcoming obstacles, and fulfilling missions are universal among all regardless who teaches them, a matchmaker, friend, parent, child or stranger. And I am grateful you contribute to my column.

Dear Dale: I liked your December column on the value of positive affirmations. But I think its over-ambitious for you to state that repeating positive affirmations “millions” of times is an attainable goal for readers like me who work full-time jobs and commute. Can you be a little more practical, please. –Worker Bee from San Carlos via e-mail

Dear WB: Early in the 19th Century Theos Bernard explored the Tibetan City of Lhasa, where Himalayan temples house monks that repeat a single prayer 108,000 times per day. No doubt monks reach millions of repetitions quicker. But, over one’s lifetime—whether commuting, eating, resting, traveling, or exercising—it is realistic for a “worker bee” to recite a positive affirmation millions of times.

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