February 2006

Dear Dale, I came out to my parents and siblings last year. I was raised in Duluth, Minnesota, where the rest of my family still resides. My mother and father came to San Francisco to visit me in the first week of January, and we went to see Brokeback Mountain together. I think that was a mistake. We left so depressed that my mother broke into tears when we got back to my apartment. I don’t see why such a negative depiction of gay love gets top billing, and advise against anyone seeing this film. Why is it that gay problems are always in the limelight, but the good things go unnoticed? I am sick and tired of being judged through the eyes of depressed and repressed people like Ang Lee, the director of this farce. When are they—the film industry—going to make a mainstream film that tells a positive message? I am 26 years old, and hopefully have a long future ahead. I want to view life positively, and not be influenced by garbage like this. –Dennis via email from San Francisco

Dear Dennis, Depressing, may this film do some good. Sometimes pointing to a problem gives rise to the solution. I love it when a young gay person like you communicates with my readers, and tells us about your positive vision for our people.

Context places Brokeback Mountain in the 1960s through 1980s, and in the same county where Matthew Shepard was murdered. I realize that this syndrome—that sublimates authentic feelings of love, and redirects them to a member of the opposite sex—is becoming rarer. A woman who was once married to a gay man, Amity Pierce Buxton, wrote a book, The Other Side of the Closet. She conducted research on over 9000 couples in mixed marriages—gays married to straights—during the 1980s. But, today, she has difficulty finding mixed couples to interview because our people find happier options among our own communities, where cultural support systems—including marriage—are becoming prevalent.

This problem still happens, however. In my matchmaking practice I have met with perhaps a hundred gay men and lesbians over this past decade who are married to members of the opposite sex. They, of course, are not ready for my program yet. I always advise them against being unfaithful to their spouses until after separation or divorce. Remaining true to commitments keeps trust alive during this most difficult time for both parties, and provides a safer and more loving environment to create a meaningful transition into authentic lives.

Buxton finds, in The Other Side of the Closet, that among these couples one-third breaks up immediately upon the coming-out talk. One-third breaks up after two years. And one-third chooses to remain together, while working out terms that serve both parties best. I do not mean to pressure anyone into choosing one path or another, but only desire to support authenticity, which all parties deserve.

Everyone loses when people lead secret, double lives. In Brokeback Mountain, predators eat livestock when Ennis and Jack play in their tent. Their wives are left without true intimacy. And their children witness parents that are not well matched. So you are right that these depressing outcomes are difficult to watch. Yet they serve to remind us how lucky we are to live today, and not then. We thank our people who blazed trails before us to ease our way. And we, one by one, make choices that openly place our chosen families and loved ones as our top priority.

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