February 2007

Hi Dale:

My name is Alan, and I read your advice column in some magazine this past month. I really enjoyed it. So, I have a question. I've been with my partner for 2+ years now, and I have only one major problem. He's not out to his rural Texan, evangelical family, so when they come to visit, I have to vacate the house that I bought before he came into my life (my partner moved in with me). Last time his family visited, I had to couch it at a friend's house. We have talked about this a lot, and he knows that it hurts me not to exist to these people that he deeply loves, but we're at an impasse because he just never wants to hear his mother say, "You're going to hell," and I don't want to pack up my bags and leave my house every time his siblings or parents want to visit.  We only have one bedroom, so being the "roommate" is not an option which is what he did with his last partner.

It also hurts me a bunch to miss him for Christmas every year as he travels home.  My family has accepted him 100 percent even though I have some extremely conservative aunts and uncles.  Both he and I want him to come out to his family, but how is my question?!

--Alan, San Francisco

Dear Alan and Partner:

Compartmentalization of feelings and actions is common for gays whose parents are bigots, even if disguised behind religion. Compartmentalization means that your partner and you show substantially different behaviors when his parents visit than when they don’t. You separate rather than unite. You fear rather than love. Victims submit, and create different identities from one situation to the next. In contrast, victors remain authentic wherever they go.

Early this year, your partner might consider writing “the letter.” Many hundreds of my inquirers have written it. It goes something like this:

“Dear Mom & Dad. I love you very much, and am grateful that you are part of my life. I am gay, which you may have suspected or not. It is in everyone’s best interest that I lead an authentic life. Please accept me as I am, as I do you. I am a grown man now, even if I always feel proud to be your son. My partner Alan and I share a home, which he purchased before I moved into it. We are deeply committed to each other. Please invite him into our family, as his family has invited me into theirs. I look forward to talking this through with you, and growing closer.”

It’s done. By “it” I mean authentication. If you choose otherwise, then the fundamental flaw in your union is that you place it second in priority to your fear. Every time your partner chooses to let you leave your own home in order to make room for his parents, he prioritizes his fear first and your union second. And every time you choose to leave, instead of standing your ground, you make the same mistake. You and your partner undervalue each other, and your union weakens. You throw away your love, and enable bigotry to prevail. Is this what you want? If so, then stay stuck. If not, then authenticate.

You asked for it. After twelve years as a matchmaker, I have no patience for behaviors that destroy our families, which is exactly what bigots want, including evangelical ones. My message to you, and them, is that our love equals theirs. Either your union remains a long-term victim, or it stands a lifelong victor, whichever you choose.

Please accept my sincere best wishes, my dear ones. I envision you thriving together.

Love,

Dale

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