February 2008

Dear Dale: I live in a somewhat remote area about 30 miles outside a major city. I thought you might have some input for me. My problem is that whenever I meet men it seems as if they are reluctant to make a trip to my area for a date - I'm always the one having to commute to the city for dates, even second, third, fourth dates, etc. I understand that there is probably more to do downtown, but I'm beginning to feel weary. Do you think that I should accept this circumstance as the price to pay for choosing to live the country life? – Lance

Dear Lance: Sometimes there are particulars about living situations that shift the commute burden onto one party more than the other. Perhaps one party is engaged in a rigorous academic regimen; or one party makes more money and can better afford the commute; or one party needs to stay local to parent their children. So it oversimplifies to conclude that commute times need to be equal in order for a dating situation to become a life-partnership. However, reciprocity is important. After your commute, for example, does he have dinner waiting? Or, when he has time, does he go the extra distance to let you know how much he cares? You're better off to drive more for the right person -- someone kind, loving, fun, faithful, stable, etc. -- than to have the wrong person drive to you. If you have pressing needs that keep you local, then perhaps you need to specify a geographic location before beginning to date someone.

Dear Dale: I've been dating this man for seven months and really like him. I'm ready to commit. Unfortunately he is unwilling at this time to do so saying he's not ready because he doesn't know if I am "the one" (although he does say he likes me and enjoys spending time with me). I don't know what to do - should I give him more time? What do you suggest? -- Drew

Dear Drew: If you and he are exclusively dating, and he just needs more time to get to know you before making a life-time commitment, then you may want to give him another five months before drawing any conclusions. However, if your boyfriend is still playing the field, it is probably time to move on. Seven months is long enough to become exclusive in most cases.

Dear Dale: I dated a guy named Eric for two months and really liked him, but he said he didn't feel the same way and broke it off. Three months later I found out that one of my best friends and Eric are dating and getting along well. They didn’t meet until five weeks after Eric broke up with me. Also, my friend did not know, at time, that I had dated Eric because we had never talked about it.
My problem is that I feel jealous and am beginning to feel resentment towards my friend. Do you think I'm justified in what I feel, and should I end my friendship? -- Charles

Dear Charles: Under these circumstances your friend and Eric are doing nothing wrong by dating. Feelings like jealousy are natural, although it would be in your best interest to work through them within a reasonable period. If you continue to harbor negative feelings, then you need to become better at processing life's experiences. Unfortunately life never gets easy; we just get better at managing it. Seek the support of your friends, and/or consider some transitional therapy.

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