January 2001

Dear Dale: My partner and I have lived together 11 years. His best friend of 23 years, Chuck, a straight man, is downright mean to me. My partner even admits this is true. Chuck specifically asks that I be left out of certain activities that he invites my partner to attend. Sometimes my partner doesn't go because he doesn't want to leave me behind. Sometimes he does go, and that's okay except I feel excluded. I'm afraid this is going to blow up, and come between my partner and me. I love him so much, and don't want to lose him. What can I do, Dale? Sick in San Bruno via e-mail

Dear Sick: Remember one soulful time when you felt at peace because you had surmounted an obstacle, and then that obstacle didn't exist anymore? We must always willingly pay a price for this kind of peace. Giving up feelings of jealousy, and replacing them with feelings of love, is the price you must pay to solve your problem.

Your relationship with your partner has nothing to do with his friendship with Chuck. Let him have friends that aren't yours too. Make it easy for your partner to spend time with his friends, and fill your valuable free time with fun activities that improve your quality of life. Work out at a gym. Visit friends or family. Take an evening class. Pursue interests of your own.

You and Chuck obviously have a personality conflict. Some people don't mix. When you can't avoid him, just be courteous. Instead of spending your energy disliking Chuck, use it to have fun with your partner. Do something special to celebrate surmounting another obstacle. When's the last time you and your partner had breakfast in bed?

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