January 2002

Dear Dale: I read with interest your response to Questioning . . . and was quite taken aback by what appears to have been a couched yet regressive response defending being closeted, not in defense of life, but in response to shame driven reasoning. The thought that a situation where sexual orientation is ?completely irrelevant? translates to not being able to be fully yourself is defensible is generally understood to be self-destructive. Thus if something is completely irrelevant it doesn?t matter whether it is known or not, not that is should be hidden. I can only hope that your couched language regarding ?protected identity? and ?limited integration? somehow reflects a deeper understanding than the apparent gist of your response. Please let me know which way you go on, as a recent immigrant from the east coast, it is crucial indicia in my ruminations on whether to stay on.

Dear Ruminations: Unfortunately, in some cases, sexual orientation is not irrelevant, but the opposite. I?ll just demonstrate a couple of examples. But there are many more. I have two clients from families that practice the Jehovah?s Witness faith. One of them was kicked out of his home after he came out to his parents at age 16. His hardships over the next two years are fodder for a book. My other client, Gordon, was smart enough to wait until he finished high school to get honest. It?s a good thing he waited. Since Gordon?s parents have known that he is gay ? and happily, monogamously committed to Nick ? Gordon?s parents have cut off all contact. So, if you are under age and still dependent on your parents to finish your education ?and you understand your parents will disown you when they find out you are gay ? then I recommend you out-and-out lie about your sexual orientation. I also have several clients who are employed by the same parent company based in the Arab World. During their business travels to the home office, they refer to their partners as women. They are at the height of their careers, love their work (which is almost always in the US), and it would be impossible for them to get anything near the same compensation elsewhere.

I might add that the focus of matchmaking is on how to get and stay married, rather than how to become self-actualized ? or whatever you want to label the state that is the intended outcome of individual therapy. I am not a therapist. But I have brought together more than 100 couples. And my experience has taught me that one need not be perfectly ?out? to happily partner.

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