January 2004

Dear Dale: I am one of those people that I am sure you avoid. I have never been monogamous. But I would really like to be. Just before Thanksgiving my boyfriend dumped me because he found out I need to play around. Not that I really want to. I can’t help myself. I would be faithful if I could because all the men I have ever really wanted as partners are monogamous-types. The other guys don’t interest me relationship-wise. I know this makes me a hypocrite. I hate this about myself. I guess I’m hoping that spilling my guts will change me for the better. It would surprise me if you print this. But it would be nice if you e-mail me back. I’m suffering right now. Alone in Sunnyvale via e-mail

Dear Alone: Sometimes we suffer greatly. You are not alone. I have compassion for your suffering, as you shall develop compassion for yourself. Separate your vision of yourself from the actions that you commit that may harm yourself or others. What we cannot control we can learn to relate to in a skillful way.* Two metaphors help define a skillful way.

People are like the sky, ever-changing yet ever-present. The problems we experience are like clouds. Clouds float through the sky. But they are not the sky. Thus, we are not our problems. My client and dear friend Paul tells me that feelings of disappointment, in ourselves and in others, are like leaves that float down a river. They pass through the current, yet the current—life—remains unscathed.

Perhaps you wonder how these analogies apply to you. Let’s say, for example, that you view yourself—your identity—as damaged because you engage in behavior that you disdain. You disdain yourself and believe that you deserve to suffer. Your belief manifests itself in behaviors that you disdain. Your behaviors become habits. These habits result in poor or low character.

To the contrary, let’s say that you observe your behavior as separate from your identity, as if it were clouds and you the sky, or as if it were leaves and you the river. Your identity is innately good—regardless some of your behaviors—and you deserve to become what you value most. You love yourself. Your beliefs manifest themselves in behaviors that you love. Your behaviors become habits. And your habits result in rich or high character.

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* Sharon Salzberg, Loving-Kindness

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