January 2005

Forgiveness knows no obstacles. It releases grudges held and undoes defenses built. It transmutes unfortunate circumstances into fortunate ones. Nearly three decades ago my then boyfriend began teaching me a lesson on forgiveness, though it took me twenty years to comprehend it. Between the ages of 19 and 23 I lived with him, first in Berkeley and then in San Francisco, punctuated by two breakups.

This most worthy among lessons began unbeknownst to me about the time we reached our first anniversary. While visiting his parents in their East Bay home, my boyfriend noticed a garage sale next door. In the neighbor’s messy garage sat an Hepplewite mahogany coffee table, legs that curled onto the floor like out-turned feet with little brass sox. It’s finish peeling away, my boyfriend paid in the low two digits for our prize. In the small storage room of the Berkeley apartment complex that I managed, I spent hours stripping, sanding, puttying, staining and varnishing in layers the Hepplewite before placing it in our living room. Then I slipped a perfectly cut pane of glass into the oval-shaped frame around the table’s glossy top, and placed the finished product in front of our worn green tweed sofa bed that could have been carved from granite considering its weight.

The coffee table established the first among multiple acquisitions we made to furnish our love nest. Eventually we even replaced the old green sofa bed with a down-filled davenport. But neither true love nor beautiful furniture made up for immaturity and inexperience. Thus it happened that several years and lots of drama later my boyfriend and I broke up permanently. Upon the dissolution of our relationship I asked for the coffee table, and he agreed that I could have it.

A few years after we broke up I relocated from San Francisco to Sacramento, and I suggested that my ex take care of my coffee table for me until I got resituated. He replied that he would be happy to do so. But six months later when I telephoned him to schedule a time to pick up my valued Hepplewite, my ex told me that his new boyfriend had “really gotten attached to it,” and that he did not know whether he could “let it go.” As you might now guess—forgiveness being my topic—the coffee table remains in his possession today.

Thus it became impressed upon me one decade ago—after twenty years of carrying a grudge—the most valuable among lessons: that forgiveness knows no obstacles, and it transmutes negative life situations into positive ones. The day I forgave my ex, and let that coffee table go, I freed myself. I stopped blaming others for the way I respond to unfavorable circumstances, and took charge of my own feelings. Rather than feeling destroyed by what was not in my possession, I made a choice to create everything that I need. I fulfill my matchmaking mission. I commit to the right life-partner. I forge meaningful friendships. I write a monthly column. And I ask my dear readers to consider whether this New Year you too may awaken a lesson on forgiveness that lies sleeping within an otherwise unfavorable circumstance.

<< Back To Advice Page