January 2006
Dear Dale: Recently I encountered a serious problem that I believe stems from our current gay social system. My opinion holds that absent a cohesive social structure that encourages marriage and fidelity, we doom our own people (as fundamentalists want) to a lonely fate of which I am a recent recipient. The ease with which large numbers of gay men engage in casual sex poses the biggest problem for gay marriage.
Three years ago I shared a wedding ceremony with my partner Chet. But Chet broke up with me last October. He fell in lust with Eric, a man he tricked with. They met at a San Francisco bar on one of Chet’s Saturday “free evenings.” In the beginning, he only wanted a free evening once per month. But within a year of our commitment, his free evenings escalated into weekly outings, occasionally all-nighters. Again and again, I said okay because the alternative of being without him seemed worse.
The gay social structure supports the values of my ex over mine. How do I find the kind of lifelong marriage you so passionately promote when, in my opinion, most gay men care more about pleasing their sex parts than staying true to commitments made? –Dennis from San Jose via letter (condensed)
Dear Dennis: The “nature versus nurture” debate remains very much alive. Nature-ists say men are inherently non-monogamous. Nurture-ists say that environment turns us into either monogamous or non-monogamous beings. The truth probably lies somewhere between the two extremes.
With great interest I follow the work of biologist Dr. Bruce Lipton who posits that, even at the cellular level, DNA behaves according to its environment rather than in sync with its original design. Lipton says, “more specifically, our perception (interpretation) of the environment, directly controls the activity of our genes.” He calls this “epigenetic control.”
The implication of Lipton’s work is that individuals, groups and communities have “drivers.” The mind drives the individual, while the collective unconscious belief system drives the community. In fact, the reason I created my matchmaking program over ten years ago is to serve as a driver towards monogamous relationships for those among my people like you. My first priority is to match my clients right. But, as a secondary outcome, I envision that options like my services help reprogram “gay social structure” to include a supportive environment for lifelong monogamy as an option.
It is a challenge for free will to triumph over the pre-recorded subconscious tapes that tear apart our families. But it can be done. So can you make choices once you set your mind, heart and spirit to it. Please take time to view Dr. Lipton’s site, http://www.brucelipton.com/mind-over-genes.php, where he recommends ways to reprogram perceptions that align to desired aims “such as Psych-K, Holographic Repatterning and BodyTalk.” One or a combination of these ways may serve you well during this very delicate time as you heal, re-gear your perceptions, and drive your life towards those beliefs you value highest. Then you find an environment that supports monogamy, and select among candidates that share your commitment style.
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