January 2008

Dear Dale: Your columns stir me up enough to respond. I realize you write from your perspective as founder of Bonds Limited, with a partner relationship that probably embodies the vision of that group. For those in our community who support and pursue monogamy, your advice is certainly well-considered and useful (though I feel that custom best fits a child-rearing environment). However, I question if you could offer much constructive advice to those of us who create, with much struggle and little support, non-monogamous relationships that work. Is there a conflict of interest here or could you write an objective column about that topic?

We both know building relationships outside the hetero paradigm is fraught with extra challenges. It's a wonder that any of us manage it. But we do, and I am sure the added stress of discrimination tempers our bonds, however we forge them. Those gay and lesbian relationships that last are stronger than many of those held together on paper because we have had to add societal disapproval to the everyday pressures that naturally come with partnering. Sometimes that disapproval comes from within our own community.

My partner and I are nearing our ninth anniversary. It was one of those love-at-first-sight, throw-caution-to-the-wind, damn-the-torpedoes romantic risks that usually only work in the movies. We didn't court, we jumped, so surprises were inevitable. Happily, we agreed at the get-go that monogamy was not essential to our sense of security. From there, we commenced eight months of fixated, monogamous bonding bliss (go figure).

When the inevitable first "temptation" came along, we had already laid a strong foundation of trust and intimacy. So instead of being a threat, the other man was perceived as an opportunity to expand our love . . . and maybe our sexual skills! Not by including him (we don't do 3-ways), but by one partner saying to the other "Go with love. Enjoy, learn and play safely. I'll be here when you get back." Instead of returning to angry recriminations and a pulled-out sofabed in the living room, we return the next day to the warmth of our own bed and our lover's arms. Jealousy and words like "cheat," "stray" or "unfaithful" don't compute in our equation.

We don't need all the hand wringing and time-outs and because we are secure in our love and commitment toward each other. No piece of paper from the state, no glomming onto others' traditions, no PC party line is stronger than that.

So please recognize that part of the diversity which makes our people strong and resilient lies in the way we create relationships that fit our individual needs, rather than forcing ourselves to fit models that won't necessarily work for us. Negotiating an open relationship can be done based on trust and personal growth. We acknowledge both our commitments to our partners AND the blessings of an expanded circle of caring and sexual pleasure. We've successfully done it and we know many other couples who have as well. Please try to at least include us in your vision. There are enough hurdles in the way of couple-hood without putting up more for our brothers and sisters to contend with.

Your feedback is welcome and thanks for taking the time to read this. Best wishes.
--Robin, via e-mail.

Dear Robin: Thank you for your e-mail. I am reprinting it in whole so you can consider your point communicated. Were I to judge you I would cross that same line fundamentalist Christians cross when they pronounce homosexuality "immoral." I believe your sexual freedom should not become threatened by legislation, discrimination, or hate of any kind. However, my behavioral choices differ from yours. So you'll feel disappointed if you expect my opinion to become a voice for any other than monogamous life-partnerships.

Please accept my sincere best wishes, Robin. I truly enjoy receiving intelligent and kind e-mails like yours. I wish you and your partner continued happiness.

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