July 2003

In May’s column, my fictional character Lewis was in the first stage of matchmaking identity—unprotected. Unprotected identities perceive choices as flowing from outward in. Actions and feelings are unaligned with identity, and dependent and co-dependent relationships result. Lewis, for example, had a high-pressure job, cared for his ill father, and was "closeted." Because he defined his life by the choices of others, he felt resentment and escaped his misery through the pleasure of anonymous sexual encounters.

My June column showed how Lewis eventually moved into the second stage of matchmaking identity—protected. Protected identities prioritize their financial independence above all other values. Lewis had paid off his mortgage, and accelerated his retirement savings. He stopped feeling guilty about having anonymous sexual partners, and disclosed that he was disinterested in commitment. Self-contained, he relished the absence of obligations. Happiness meant remaining protected. He picked an emotionally unavailable boyfriend, remodeled his home, and expanded his vacation plans. Yet one evening, several years later, he began feeling that there must be more. He thought, "I have everything I wanted, Yet I am feeling lonely."

Such questions are a sign of entry into matchmaking identity’s third stage—integrated. Integrated identities perceive choices as flowing from both outward in and inward out. Actions and feelings align with identity, and inter-dependent relationships result. Integrated identities become aware that life’s most important lesson is love, and develop the strength to become vulnerable to love’s pendulum-swing from pleasure to pain.

Now Lewis discusses with his therapist the potential of having a life-partner. He spends more time with his boyfriend Gordon, but Gordon—protected—ends their relationship because he doesn’t want a commitment. Lewis invests more resources—time and money—into a mix of venues designed to find and bond with the right life-partner. He takes a weekend workshop on intimacy, redirects travel plans to singles-oriented destinations, and employs a matchmaker. The pain of not having a life-partner is unsettling. Yet there is no turning back to being an island.

Lewis comprehends that living means feeling, and that happiness is not a static state. However, ironically, he appreciates life more than ever before. He volunteers for Project Open Hand, delivering meals to participants on Thursday evenings. He makes financial donations to several charities that he believes in. Lewis’s integrated identity results in inter-dependent relationships. And his chances of partnering well are significantly high, although he knows it will not happen overnight.

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