July 2004

Dear Dale: I used to work with a man I had a big crush on. I will call him Dean. Dean had a partner when we worked together. So did I. I moved to another job several years ago. Both Dean and I went through break-ups with our partners a couple of years back. We ran into each other last May at the high school graduation of a mutual friend’s daughter. We exchanged information, and began e-mailing each other. We had one date in early June, and continue to e-mail each other. But he doesn’t seem to want to get together again, although he has not told me this. Should I just close the door, and move on? Or is there merit, do you think, in pursuing him more? I rarely meet men I feel this way about. --Uncharacteristically Needy in San Francisco

Dear Uncharacteristic: I have no idea what is going on in your friend’s mind. But it is clear that you are interested in him. So at the least this can serve as a learning experience that helps you keep doors open. Of course, if you “just close the door, and move on” then you will eliminate any uncertainty. But you will also eliminate the choice to wait and see what happens. Consider taking what you’ve got—that he likes e-mails—and doing the best you can with it.

Consider sending him e-mails that are well thought out. Dialogue on shared interests may give rise to activities you two can share. Move slowly, and develop a friendship, if possible. Consider waiting until you discover whether he wants the same kind of relationship that you do (i.e., casual or serious, monogamous or non-monogamous, cohabitation or separate residences, etc.) before choosing to make him the sole object of your affections. If his reciprocation slows or stops, you are still a success because you will have learned to keep opportunities alive even in the face of uncertainty.

Dear Dale: In 1999 I wrote to you about my feeling there was something missing in my relationship with my boyfriend. You said that unresolved issues from our past might have been getting in the way, which they were. You wrote that sometimes it takes years to commit, even to a wonderful guy. No need to go into all the details. But we are planning on moving in together soon. We always enjoy your column. –Dennis in Milpitas via e-mail

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