July 2005

Dear Dale: I have been single for more than five years. My friends have always told me that I am an unusual gay person. I am a Christian, and a Republican. My tastes are very conservative. I voted for George Bush. I find it nearly impossible to find men who accept my beliefs; I prefer but do not require that others share them. The important thing is to respect each other, and disagree compassionately. When I moved to San Jose from Dallas in 1999, I thought for sure that in this known gay region I would be married within a couple of years, or a few at most. I have used Internet sites, and gone to bars occasionally. Several men dated me until they figured out my beliefs. I am not going to pretend to be someone else like an atheist or Democrat to make my match. So I am learning to live without one. I wonder whether this is necessarily a good thing—to get used to being single. –Alone in San Jose via e-mail

Dear Alone: I think it is commendable that you learn to enjoy your life so long as you do not close down the matchmaking process. It may bring comfort to consider that I have matched clients who were single decades. So five years is not so long given that your religious and political beliefs are outside the norm in this geographic area. To increase exposure to appropriate candidates you might consider attending a reformed church that reaches out to gays, or joining Log Cabin Republicans. Keep your search set on lifelong love, and so shall you find it.

Dear Dale: For fifteen years I have put up with my partner spending more money than I do. I am frugal. I have carefully saved several million dollars in this way. My partner has savings, too. But her retirement will be more modest than mine. I am afraid that she will want me to help her financially. I feel guilty that I resent this idea. I do not know what I would do without her. Do you think this kind of tension can ruin a relationship? –Self Made in San Carlos via e-mail

Dear Self Made: Two people that come together into union are always different in some ways. It is likely far more costly both emotionally and financially to break up than stay together. The most important thing is whether you two love each other, and have made a commitment. If there is confusion over either of these—love or commitment—then there is a far more serious problem than money.

In every relationship one party has more money than the other, or is better at managing it. I envision you two bringing this issue to the table, and discussing it. Work out a system. Grow together, and accept each other’s differences.

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