July 2006

Dear Dale: Once again I am single. My girlfriend tells me she guesses she isn’t as interested in a relationship as she thought she was when we met six months ago. I wait patiently with many assurances that things are fine. Then she backs out at the last minute. I know people change their minds sometimes. But this is the third time in a row that this has happened to me. So I must have a hand in it. Can you give me some ideas that might spare me from having this kind of experience again? Thank you. –Linda via e-mail from San Francisco

Dear Linda: I have often written about intention. Marriage requires two who share the same intention. If the intention to partner remains clear and steadfast, then one remains open to love even after transitional relationships run their course. Yet, even given the purest intentions, one examines by experience just how delicate matches can be. For example, two candidates who are completely ready for relationships may simply not fit together, and must venture into new opportunities. And sometimes a union, even one rising to a realm among perfect matches, dissolves because either bad timing or a mistake jinxes it.

While I cannot examine your role better without broader context, the right therapist could help you immensely. Dr. Leslie Morgan, a clinical psychologist, and I would classify your area of inquiry as relating to “relationship readiness,” for which she and I draw two constructs based on observing people’s behavior.

In the first construct, people show three kinds of relationship readiness: social, intimate, and commitment. Social readiness—as in one whose social skills shine—can be fun and exciting. While socially adept individuals thrive in crowds, they may or not excel as partners. So social readiness comprises only a fraction of what makes lifelong unions thrive. Intimate readiness, which includes sexual activity, does not necessarily represent long-term intentions, though it can mimic the beginning stage of lifelong love. Ambivalent intentions, if any, often become known shortly after sexual relations begin. (Sometimes sex simply clarifies whether there is sufficient chemistry, an attribute theoretically unrelated to intentions.) Commitment readiness for a lifelong union is the rarest form of relationship readiness. Reciprocal commitment with the right match makes a safe and creative environment for the union to thrive, and increases freedom for both parties to individuate.

In the second construct, people walk through three stages of relationship readiness, under-protected, over-protected, and integrated. Under-protected people enter relationships too easily, placing all their trust in another without question. They inevitably feel hurt as a result of unmet expectations, and move into the next stage, over-protected. Over-protected individuals get fairly comfortable being single, and may remain so. They establish independence on every level. Ultimately, they may realize that over-protection comes at the cost of emotional atrophy. Desire for emotional fulfillment moves an individual into the next level of relationship readiness, integrated. Integrated people open themselves to love while also continuing their individuation. The integrated individual is primed for marriage.

My short column is no substitute for psychotherapy, which I recommend highly. However, a matchmaker sees how clear and steadfast intention carries one forward in their search for a partner, even though it cannot prevent transitional relationships due to a mismatch, bad timing, or mistakes made. Also, I have identified two constructs, which point to “relationship readiness.” Considering where you and potential matches fit within these constructs may provide another way to examine and improve your search.

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