June 2003

In last month’s column I began the story of how a fictional character, Lewis, was in the first—unprotected—stage of matchmaking identity. To review, my matchmaking identity model has three stages—unprotected, protected and integrated. Unprotected identity views choices as flowing from outward in. Actions and feelings are unaligned with identity, and dependent and co-dependent relationships result. Lewis, for example, had a high-pressure job, and cared for his ill father. Because he defined his life by the choices of others, he felt resentment and escaped his misery through the pleasure of anonymous sexual encounters.

Most individuals can only tolerate the pain of an unprotected identity for a decade or two before moving into identity’s second stage—protected. For protected identities, choices flow from inward out. Actions and feelings become aligned with identity without regard to relationships with others. Protected identities wish only to please themselves. They create emotional, sexual and financial independence, and they have "safe" friendships that do not challenge their independence. They prioritize their financial independence above all other values. Individuals in the protected stage of matchmaking identity may be content living their entire lives safe from vulnerability to others.

Today, having taken care of his father for years, Lewis feels relief as a result of his father’s death. The inheritance has paid off Lewis’ mortgage, and accelerated his retirement savings. He has stopped feeling guilty about having anonymous sex partners, and openly discloses that he is disinterested in commitment. Refreshed, he finally feels self-contained, and relishes the absence of obligations. Happiness means remaining protected. So when he does develop emotional attachments, he picks people who are incapable of returning affection, a subconscious defense.

Lewis still likes his job, but only works 40-hour weeks. He drives a German car, has remodeled his home, put in a swimming pool, and expanded his vacation plans to include Europe and Africa. Also, he has entered psychotherapy, and uses his therapist to heighten his self-sufficiency.

One evening, while watching a DVD in his home entertainment center, Lewis begins to feel empty. He scans his beautiful surroundings and wonders why he no longer feels as happy as when his independence was new. Somehow, it doesn’t seem enough to call one of his friends to go out to his favorite restaurant. "Why am I feeling lonely," he questions. "I have everything I ever imagined."

In July’s issue of OutNow Newsmagazine, we’ll discover whether Lewis enters matchmaking identity’s third stage—integrated. Will Lewis open himself up to the swing of love’s pendulum—from pleasure to pain? Or will he hold himself safe from the risk of learning life’s most valuable lesson? Stay tuned for the conclusion of Lewis’ mysterious journey.

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