June 2004

Dear Dale: I dated the man I live with, my ex, for one year before we bought this home together in San Leandro. We were introduced by my friends, a lesbian couple I met through work. We never discussed being monogamous, but I assumed we were. I am anyway. He used to be very reliable when we were dating. A few weeks after we moved in together he began to change. I feel like I married Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. All we do is fight. He openly tells our mutual friends that he has met someone else. I guess I need to get an attorney. My self confidence is very low. Any helpful ideas, Dale? --Shaken in San Leandro via e-mail

Dear Shaken: Consider therapy to work through the issues that got you where you are. Go to gayscape.com and look under Gay and Lesbian Therapist Association (GAYLESTA). You will find a selection of therapists in your area.

While it may not feel like good consolation at this time, most of my clients who now have lifelong commitments to partners have had at least one bad experience before finding their right match. This often has to do with relying on “secondary payoffs,” which I have written about before.We settle for secondary payoffs when we believe that primary ones are unattainable. Some examples of secondary payoffs include: That you may enjoy feeling like the kinder one as compared against disloyal or abusive partners; That you may pick partners that help you live out negative scenarios created during your upbringing or programmed by prior relationships; That you may choose partners who cause you to suffer in order to pay off karmic guilt that you associate with past mistakes. The solution to many problems is to subordinate any secondary payoffs to the primary payoff that is 100 percent attainable: Make choices that create positive life circumstances.

One real estate attorney in Oakland is Myra Mitzman (510) 338-0220, myra@mitzman.com. She can tell you what your options are for dealing with the house. Fewer hours of legal time will be needed if you and your ex work out what you want up front. If you need an attorney specializing in the broader area of gay marriage and divorce, then contact Frederick Hertz in Oakland at (510) 834-4114, fred@samesexlaw.com.

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