June 2005

Dear Dale: I am dating a man that has three children with his ex wife. They share equal custody. The kids are six, eight and nine. Jason, my boyfriend, has been out to everyone since his youngest was three. His ex wife remarried a nice man. The whole family gets along well. My problem is that Jason has little time for me because the kids always come first. I understand this rationally. But it is difficult emotionally. We have been dating almost one year. He says he eventually wants a live-in relationship. This is what I want, too. I feel we have been dating long enough for me to begin getting to know his family. But he doesn’t want to involve his children until a lifelong commitment is certain. I am ready to make that commitment. But he is not. We go back and forth on this issue. Do you have an opinion? –Eric from Felton via e-mail

Dear Eric: Consider your options. Choose wisely, and also use your heart.

The first option is to do nothing. Three young children need a lot of attention from dad. I can understand how a parent does not want a string of dates meeting their children. Perhaps Jason will open up to you gradually, and let you into his life. Or maybe things will drag on forever just as they are.

The second option is to suggest meeting the children shortly after your one-year anniversary. Mom has already remarried. Why not dad, too? These are young ones, and dad will need to be alone for a very long time if he intends on waiting until they are grown. If Jason wants his children to be happily married one day, then it is better to model how to live successfully with a loving partner than demonstrate how to be emotionally unavailable and live alone.

The third option is to tell Jason that you want to start meeting other men because he moves slower than you do, and you need to be open to other possibilities. Sometimes compare and contrast is essential to the matchmaking process, especially when lifelong love is the mission. You need to be certain you have the right candidate, and that issues are resolved, before becoming exclusive.

The fourth option is to break free. Are you really prepared to share Jason? And is it realistic that Jason can ever meet your needs given his other commitments? The timing seems a challenge: You are ready, and he is not. It is easier to make a choice to leave now than after the children get involved. Sometimes it is better to create new opportunities rather than re-explore old dead-ends.

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