June 2006
Dear Dale: I use the Internet to meet men. I casually hook up with lots of anonymous sex partners. Quantity, I say. Even when the sex is really good, it doesn’t lead to a serious relationship. Not having a partner is a way of life for me, but I always read your matchmaking column anyway. Some of your topics remind me how I used to be before I mastered living so autonomously. My first and only relationship was back in college.
My roommate at NYU cranked up the air conditioner before we made love for the last time in June 1994. We kept it on high for two days straight, seldom leaving bed. I’m known for being frugal, but even as a starving student I never minded paying that particular electric bill. I knew then that I loved him forever. People say it‘s crazy to exclusively love someone from so long ago. We were just 22 years old then. Now married with a child, I often look at his photo on his employer’s web site. He’s gotten really overweight.
I would still give myself to him completely, his fat and all. Otherwise, I would rather surf the Internet and have fun. Diversify, Dale! We don’t all need to be perfectly “therapized.” Life takes us where it does. And we adapt as best we can. That’s okay by me. Proudly, I’m an unmarried survivor. –Eric in South San Francisco via email
Dear Eric: Early this week I took one of my new couples, David Ingram and Michael Strange, to lunch at the Rotunda on Union Square. Michael is both a scientist and author of Common Spirit Common Ground, a loving comparison of world religions. I read his book last month with great interest. But it is even better to know Michael personally, and spend time with David and he together.
Seated in our curved booth and eating lunch, Michael calmly told David and me that he would “stay empty on the inside” regardless how powerful his commitment to David. David and I looked curiously at each other, wondering if Michael was referring to the food not being filling enough even though he had ordered the rib eye steak.
Michael clarified that internal emptiness spiritually or psychologically prepares a comfortable space inside a person. He related how one needs to empty prior experiences in order to embrace the unique ones before us today. By releasing the baggage of old romances gone wrong we may make room for a new one to go right. Consciously, and through practice, one chooses whether to forgive and move on or to hold onto pain, and respond as its victim.
Eric, I would not take issue with your choice to stay single if it were for a different reason like you simply prefer going solo. But coveting a husband and father who now leads a straight life does not square. Even though you take pride in not being “therapized,” I ask you to consider engaging a good therapist (or minister or rabbi, if you prefer) to analyze your motivations in depth. You may find, as my client Michael demonstrates, that emtying yesterday’s pain brings fulfillment, whether you choose a single life or a married one.
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