June 2008

Dear Dale: I have tried marriage three times. My first partner left me for my best friend. They are still together after 20 years, even though they began, in my judgment, unethically. My second partner moved to New York for his job. I couldn’t go with him because my father was terminally ill at the time, and I was his caregiver. We are still friends. He found a partner, and they have been happy for more than 10 years. In May of 2006 my third partner left me because he said the chemistry isn’t there for him. I asked him why he stayed with me three years if he wasn’t attracted to me. He said he doesn’t know. I’ve been really down for the last two years, Dale. Even though I keep doing the right thing, I seem to be the one who ends up suffering most. I feel bitter and resentful that I am alone again. I also feel envious of the happiness my past partners have found. What can I do to move forward and eventually have a lifetime partner? –Philippe

Dear Philippe: Have compassion for yourself by feeling your pain without judging it. Drop the story line, and go into the raw feelings, where you are soft and vulnerable. This—in acceptance—is where you begin to heal. Acceptance allows you to examine your circumstances objectively, and act with integrity: equanimity.

Equanimity means both being balanced and having a good disposition. The balanced way is to separate out your negative motives in order to become free from them. Your negative motives are two: 1) Wanting a partner because you envy the happiness of others, and 2) Wanting a partner to escape your bitterness and resentfulness. Negative motives attract both negative people and circumstances. This is a problem, not a solution.

Your good disposition calls upon you to transmute your negative motives into positive ones. Relax with change, for nothing is static. Pray for the continued union of happy couples. Wish well your most recent ex-partner, and embrace his need to move on. Accept your new freedom with excitement about the opportunities before you. Feel inspired to better yourself. Your good disposition attracts positive people and circumstances. Expanding your sphere of love is your primary motive for partnering again.

With ease and grace, Philippe, acceptance and equanimity become you.

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