March 2002

Dear Dale: My sister Lois left her girlfriend in February following three years of absolute hell. They did not live together, which is good. Lois' ex slept with many of her so-called friends, news I've just learned. My issue is whether to tell Lois about her ex's dalliances. Let me explain. The breakup has hurt Lois so deeply that she has taken a week off of work. She and I work for the same company, and I'm afraid her employment is in jeopardy because she has no vacation time left. Do you think if I tell Lois her ex was unfaithful it would help her to move on? I just don't know what to do, and perhaps nothing is best. Sis in Sausalito via email

Dear Sis: The dilemma is whether your sister and her ex practiced safe sex. Your sister's health may be at risk, in which case she needs to get into a good medical treatment program. Were it not for the medical issue, I would stay silent. Why should knowledge of the ex's private hell become your sister's too? If there is any way you could get your sister to test for STDs without her knowledge of her ex's escapades, I would encourage it. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll have to recommend you tell her the truth, as much as it is not of your sister's making. You are a good to be concerned, and I know you will do the right thing.

Dear Dale: In June 2000 I wrote to you asking how to stop my boyfriend from talking about his ex, especially around my friends and parents. You suggested the use of a disrupter because he didn't respond well to my verbal requests. I adopted the use of a loud, high-pitched yawn while dramatically fanning my mouth whenever he raised the taboo subject. And it worked! Unfortunately, he was laid off his job and moved back east. But now I'm wise to disrupters, and you'd better believe I use them on the guy I love and have lived with for almost six months now. I wouldn't want to reveal my new disrupters for fear my partner will get wise. But let's just say there's no mentioning his exes on my time. The historical consequences are too embarrassing for him! Bruiser in Belmont via e-mail

Dear Bruiser: I am glad my advice paid the results you wanted. And I hope you and your partner spend the vast majority of your time supporting each other's growth and happiness rather than disrupting each other's weaknesses.

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