March 2006

Dear Dale:

My girlfriend lives with her ex in a home they own together. She says she can’t afford to live on her own because her property taxes will go up based on current prices as compared to what she and her ex paid in 1982. Meanwhile, her ex keeps coming up with reasons to keep my girlfriend busy during the weekends like refinishing “their” deck, taking “their” poodle to the vet, and spending holidays with “their” friends and family.

I can almost hear your readers telling me “Get a clue.” But I am absolutely crazy in love with this woman, Dale. We have fantastic chemistry. When we are together, which gets rarer all the time, everything else pales by comparison. But pretty soon I will probably be confined to conjugal visits every third Thursday! Do you think there is anything I can do to turn this situation around?

I almost don’t want to hear your answer. But I guess it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee.

—Deserted in Santa Cruz via email

Dear Deserted:

In my experience, it would be extremely rare for anyone living with their ex to be emotionally available for a committed relationship with someone else. The life your girlfriend and her ex share satisfies all their intimate needs except sex. So newcomers get scheduled into the small leftover timeslots.

I understand that chemistry or passion is rare, and that it is hard to face the scarcity of appropriate candidates. So it may seem easier to escape into the short stints of excitement you enjoy with your current girlfriend however rare. Yet the longer you wait to create space for the right fit, the less likely it becomes that you will find each other.

The problem with focusing attention exclusively on chemistry is that it only satisfies sexual needs. This is fine if sex is the only thing you are looking for. But if you seek a lifelong, committed relationship—comprising all facets of caring and sharing—then one needs to pay closer attention to other aspects to love like synergy and trust.

For example, synergy can be found in those venues where others share your spiritual beliefs, play the sports you like, or enjoy the books you read. Look outside your current routines, and open your life to opportunities that align to and complement your interests. This is synergy.

Trust builds from sharing the same level of preparation and having similar goals for a relationship. Trust can be found by selecting candidates that create time to see you, eliminate obstacles that come between you, and aim for the same kind of relationship that you want. You, therefore, can easily identify that your current girlfriend does not provide an opportunity for trust to build.

My readers and I only wish your highest vision of love to manifest, and hope that you will soon “wake up and smell the coffee” happily with your new partner. So unfolds the fulfillment of your mission, that it comprises the three aspects to lifelong love: passion, synergy and trust.

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