March 2008

Dear Dale: I am a single, straight man. I came across your column because my friend recommended your site to me. Your columns inspire me to try my hand at dating again. You strike a major chord inside of me . . . how wounded I feel from my love history and how it has left me feeling that I should "give up" on relationships for good. Your insight on the difference between co-dependency and inter-dependency made me realize I must let go of my past, take what I've learned, and be open to love again. I can still be a strong independent man AND share my heart and life with someone. I printed out many of your columns and have them up on my fridge so I will be reminded every day. Merci beau coup, Lance

Dear Lance: Thank you for reading my columns, and sharing your experience. It is a universal truth that the love within us has no end, though we may occasionally lose sight of it.

Dear Dale: I am a 34-year-old Latin guy who is in love with an older White man who is divorced, and has a daughter. He wants to have "gay experiences" after coming out of the closet thanks to our relationship. We stayed nine months together and broke up last November. We see each other when possible. I still love him, but want a monogamous relationship. He feels love for me, but wants to enjoy dating other guys and be with me too. I am open-minded and giving him space. But the paradox is that I would also like to let him go because I am very disillusioned and sad about the uncertainty of any shared future. We do have a strong and magical connection. Can you give me any advice how to continue or end this odd relationship? -- Cesar

Dear Cesar: Love is both pleasurable and painful, and these aspects are ever-present -- yet joyous -- in any union that is right. Therein lies love’s beauty, between its extremes. But suffering is another thing altogether. Suffering is the outcome of making a choice against one’s values in order to satisfy a want –- a life-partner, power, job or wealth, for example –- which outcome is disharmonious with one’s inner values. All destined outcomes –- the right life-partner, prosperity, etc. –- exist on the path towards love, and away from suffering. Live your values and worry not about the transitory loneliness that may lie on the pain-side of love’s pendulum swing. Beside you walk those whom you do not see until you open your eyes to them.

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