May 2001

Dear Dale: I met my partner in January 1999. She swept me off my feet with flowers and dinners out. She told me how much she loved me, and gave me a diamond ring. We went to Paris, Rome and Africa together. I moved in with her just before Christmas 2000. But last weekend she told me she has met someone else on her soccer team, and wants to part ways. I am devastated. We made a lifetime commitment, Dale. But I have a confession to make. When we first met she was committed to another woman whom she had lived with for fourteen years. She left her for me. Now she's doing the same thing to me. I guess, "what goes around comes around." I know that I have been foolish, and just wanted your readers to be reminded not to get involved with anyone who is otherwise committed. Maybe, from hearing my story, someone will be smart enough not to make the same silly mistake I did. It has been so costly, both emotionally and financially. Anything you can write to help me smile again? - Cindy in San Jose via e-mail

Dear Cindy: I am truly sorry for your suffering. Managing risk in the matchmaking process helps. For example, it is advantageous to pick candidates who are single, emotionally available, and want the same kind of relationship that you do. People's words may say whatever you want to hear. But their behavior - as measured over time - tells the real truth. The best matches fuse logic and animal attraction. One without the other loses luster quickly. Together, they lay the foundation for a lifetime of mutual respect. Chances of finding the right companion improve as you learn from experience. Use what you have learned to manage risk better in the future. At least you are trying instead of sitting along the sidelines while life passes you by. Practice makes perfect.

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