May 2004

Dear Dale: I am currently dating two men that I met one week apart. The truth is that both want to marry me. I know how lucky I am. My issue is that I don’t know which one to pick. They are aware of each other. I see them each once or twice most every week. Philosophically, I am monogamous. Behaviorally, I find monogamy impossible right now because it means giving up one man for the other. By June I have promised to make a choice (if one of them doesn’t give up on me first, which I know is a possibility). What can I do, Dale? The chemistry is unbelievable with both of them. --David in San Francisco via e-mail

Dear David: Before making a commitment it is critical that you compare intentions and missions. Intentions are the thoughts that guide and feelings that motivate us. Missions are the end outcomes we aim to fulfill both individually and together as a couple. Each party’s intentions and missions need not be identical in order to partner; but they must be compatible.

Let’s say, for example, that your intentions arise from thoughts and feelings as follows: A desire to participate in reciprocal esteem-building with your partner; to be in joy over helping each other live your dreams; and a passion for contributing to a happy family life. Maybe your matchmaking mission is to partner with a loving, stable, lifetime, monogamous companion. Or maybe not. Think about and emotionally process what your intentions and missions are.

Also, discuss your intentions and missions with each of your boyfriends. Ask what theirs are. This time I will point out what a few negative intentions would be: He feels unhappy with himself and wants you to save him; he feels motivated by the thrill of the conquest; or perhaps he is using you to get back at a boyfriend who recently rejected him. Maybe one candidate has a mission to monogamously commit, and the other, non-monogamously. Some prefer having no mission at all, and leaving it all up to chance.

It’s great that the chemistry is there, David. Now pay attention to compatibility. May love’s path unfold with ease and grace, and may all three of you benefit from this experience.

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