May 2005

Dear Dale: My girlfriend does not want an exclusive relationship with me, although she had a six-year monogamous relationship with her ex. We have been dating for six months. She says she loves me. She says that she will be honest with me when she sleeps with other women. Or, if I prefer, she will not disclose the details. The idea of this arrangement makes me feel like I did when my father married another woman only one month after my mother died. I was seventeen years old at the time. So I have a fear of desertion. I have made a decision to leave this woman. I do not believe that I can be her friend. I do not blame her; she has neither lied to nor manipulated me. But I feel sad that this connection stops here. You must have clients and readers that feel disappointed or defeated sometimes. What advice would you give us in my situation? This lesbian is ready for solutions. –Candice via e-mail from San Ramon

Dear Candice: Contemplate the blessings that lie sleeping in these unfortunate circumstances.  For example, you are lucky to have a capacity for love even though the dating process can be painful. Are there any lessons to be learned? Consider whether, after a couple of months of consistently dating a candidate, it is appropriate to check in with them about whether your aims are compatible: marriage or not, cohabiting or not, monogamy or not, etc. This does not imply pressure. It simply identifies whether a future together is even an option. One learns to identify ill-fated matches quicker as a result of experiences like yours. With newfound information, you improve your process for finding your match. I recommend you keep your options open, and meet multiple candidates until the right one is mutually distinguished.

Your situation could be far worse, Candice. I correspond with people that stay in the wrong relationships for decades before moving on. You and you ex now have freedom to find the right mix of passion, synergy and trust with the right matches. Congratulations on creating instead of stagnating.

Dear Dale: You have been talking about a book for years. So where is it? –Jay from South San Francisco via e-mail.

Dear Jay: Dr. Leslie Morgan, a clinical psychologist, is co-authoring the book with me. The title is Secrets of A Gay Matchmaker. We envision the book publishing by Valentine’s Day 2007. Dr. Morgan has been of great help. Our book demonstrates ideas that help single lgbt individuals navigate the opportunities and obstacles we face in finding and bonding with the right life-partner.

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