May 2006

Dear Dale: Two different women intrigue me. The first one captures my mind. The idea of living with her makes sense. She gives me neck massages and feeds me homemade chicken Parmesan. Intense sex predominates with number two. We enjoy ourselves to the point that I feel more emotionally attached to her. Both women turn me on in different ways. For me the polygamous lifestyle only works for a very short time! I need to choose. My head goes to number one. My heart to number two. Six weeks ago I met both within two days of each other. This comes after nearly a decade of being alone and searching. What should I do? –Inadvertent Poly-Lesbi! via email from Millbrae

Dear Poly: Your question begs ideas on whether either the head (logic) or heart (chemistry) should predominate when choosing the right candidate for marriage. I share statistics to add context. I also recommend that before you pick a partner, please consider whether you both have the same vision for the relationship and enjoy compatibility of a particular kind.

I watch about 30 percent of couples use logic as their primary measure whether to marry, then chemistry weighs in secondarily. They hope that chemistry will grow in cases where it lacks. Trying to fall in love with a non-chemical match does not usually work. However, sometimes the most logical match also happens to be the sexiest. About 70 percent of couples, on the other hand, use chemistry as their primary screen, and then logic comes next. In my experience, gut feel both picks the right candidate and determines the best course to bond with them. The gut knows—both logically and chemically—when there is true potential for longstanding need.

These statistics may not alleviate any despair over becoming exclusive right now. So you might consider telling both candidates that you are “not ready for exclusivity yet even though it is what [you] want ultimately.” This way you stay honest and allow more time. More time enables discussion and negotiation on the shared vision that your union would have, and contemplation whether your lifestyles would be compatible.

Your vision may have a term of only so long as it works. It may be long-term. Or you may give it a lifelong term. Some feel disingenuous espousing a long-term or lifelong commitment without knowing for certain what will happen. I believe, however, that starting out with a clear vision increases the likelihood of fulfilling it. A union’s vision has two other important parts besides its term, including first, whether it is monogamous and, second, whether the couple cohabits.

Earlier I alluded to couples needing compatibility of a particular kind.  It relates to the acceptance of both your partner’s light or bright side and dark or shadow side. Everyone goes through cycles of feeling light or dark, up or down, strong or weak, fixed or flexible, clear or ambivalent, etc. It usually takes time to tell whether a certain candidate’s light and dark inclinations transmute into acceptance or toxicity for the couple. So compatibility unfolds (or not) as bodies walk through the dating process together. This is the primary reason why couples often take between one and three years before moving in together. Yet, ironically, some couples move quickly and succeed. Others move slowly and fail.

Given these considerations, my dear Poly, free choice is yours.

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