November 2000
Dear Dale: I like this guy I met through the personals. We both want a monogamous relationship. But he did something that scared me earlier this week. He called me at work, where I have no privacy, and told me how excited he is to know me. He also brought up how he attempted suicide over fifteen years ago, and how that changed his life in a good way. I find this all too heavy too soon. But I've got to admit that the chemistry is there in a big way. We've had a lot of fun together too. Do you think he might be some psycho or something? My two best friends tell me to dump him. -- Scared in Santa Cruz via e-mail
Dear Scared: Due to lack of experience most gay people are purely ignorant regarding healthy, slow relationship progression. Usually, but not always, this can be taught. Tell him that telephone calls to your workplace, if any, are to be limited to quick check-ins. Let him know it will be several or more months before you will become ready to discuss weighty issues from his and your pasts. Suggest that you just want to have fun right now, giving yourselves time to know each other for who you are today. If he continues to behave inappropriately, bring closure quickly. Say, "I think you're a nice guy, but this isn't going to become a committed situation for me." Contact the police immediately if you feel in danger. But it is likely he will learn from your suggestions, and you two will have more time to get to know each other. Just because he has made mistakes in the past, and lacks knowledge on dating etiquette, that doesn't mean he's a bad match. It's just too early to know.
Dear Dale: I'm not interested in either commitment or monogamy. I wonder if you know how much harm you're doing to us by attempting to define gay relationships by straight norms. -- Alex in Atherton via email
Dear Alex: After all the years I've been writing this column, I am still surprised by the high number of comments like yours I receive. Gay relationships cannot be defined in any one way, either yours or mine, Alex. We need more options, not fewer.
<< Back To Advice Page |
