November 2001

Dear Dale: I am sure I will fail miserably at any attempt to partner. So I have never even tried. I have had a few opportunities over the years. But I never reciprocated interest because my parents are so unhappy together that I dread the thought of ever living with another person, even a roommate. My current dilemma is that I'm attracted to a work associate. I've known him three years. He was totally committed to a partner who left him about a year ago. Devastated by the breakup, he doesn't seem to want to date at all. But we hang out together, and we've come close to getting intimate a few times. I always put on the brakes. I know this guy wants this monogamous, lifetime thing you promote. And the idea of commitment scares me. What should I do? I could easily have an affair with him. And I really don't know what would happen after that. Do you think it would be wrong of me to try something I believe will fail? Anonymous via email from Santa Clara

Dear Anonymous: Would you fly on an aircraft whose pilot said he wasn't sure he could reach your destination? Would you take a job from an employer who said he was sure you would get fired soon? Would you eat a restaurant's food if your server said, "I'm afraid this food isn't what you wanted." What I am getting at is that intent is the first leg of any important inter- or intra-personal journey. Intent draws the roadmap for thoughts, behaviors and outcomes. Therefore, if it is your intent to fail at "marriage," then you are predestined to do so. Seek out those missions in life that you intend to successfully fill. For example, it seems you succeed at being a worthy and noble friend. Build a special friendship that helps you both work through your individual transitional issues and beyond. Friendships are important lifetime endeavors too.

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