November 2003

Dear Dale: My girlfriend and I live together in marital hell. I have to own that my pattern historically helps create these situations. My first partner could not hold down a job, so I ended up supporting her and putting her through subsequent retraining programs without results. I had pretty well accepted that she was just never meant to be a worker when I found out she had been sleeping around all the years that we were together. I thought my current girlfriend was right for me for the longest time. She is a professional and likes golf as much as I do. We have great physical chemistry to this day. But all we do is fight from morning until night. She likes eggs for breakfast and calls me a "California dyke" because I prefer a protein drink. She says I sell my soul because I market pharmaceuticals, and she doesn’t approve of these products. She always complains about my clothes being too loose; I find them comfortable and appropriate for my profession and lifestyle. I see dusk falling, Dale. How do I get the sun to rise again? –Caught In Anti-Heaven via e-mail

Dear Caught: The question is what are the secondary payoffs you are receiving? We settle for secondary payoffs when we believe that primary ones are unattainable. Some examples of secondary payoffs include: That you may enjoy feeling like the kinder one as compared against disloyal or abusive partners; That you may pick partners that help you live out negative scenarios created during your upbringing or programmed by prior relationships; That you may choose partners who cause you to suffer in order to pay off karmic guilt that you associate with past mistakes. Of course, only you can determine the secondary payoffs that bind you. But, the solution to your problem is to subordinate any secondary payoffs to the primary payoff that is 100 percent attainable: Make choices that create positive life circumstances. Unfortunately, there is transitory pain—very much like an addictive withdrawal—that one goes through when giving up those craved secondary payoffs. I envision you making brave, independent, free choices.

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