November 2004

Dear Dale: This is the first Holiday Season that I have been without a partner since I moved out of my parents’ home in 1989. I believed Robert and I were meant to be together forever. He is my first and only love. He left his ex Kevin to be with me. I still remember Kevin telling me that Robert would do the same thing to me. But I didn’t believe it until now. We had fourteen years together. I know intellectually that life goes on. But I am in emotional crisis because I feel that I am a person who is meant to be in a relationship. An avid reader, I ask your sage advice, Dale. What can I do to get through this emotional turmoil and pick the right partner next time? --Warren in San Carlos via e-mail

Dear Warren: One does not discount but values the years you and Robert had, and knows that a relationship of fourteen years requires a deep and mutual love. Yet no matter how smart the analysis, it is not thoughts but feelings that impact deepest when love’s pendulum swings from pleasure to pain. In difficult times meditation can help.

The meditation is to visualize your body as being transparent to pain. The solidity of your pain—that Robert left you, that you feel deserted, that you miss him, etc.—passes through your transparent body, back and forth, until the pain lessens. Just try it, and feel how meditation works. Meditation transports pain to a distant place that deepens consciousness as opposed to causing crisis. As a matchmaker I witness how meditation helps heal emotional pain. But I also observe that it is only by doing—taking action—that love’s mission fulfills.

If you say you are “a person meant to be in a relationship,” then I ask you to consider getting out and meeting candidates. Yes. It will cause you to face change rather than avoid it. Yes. You will compare your present against your past. No. This does not  predestine you to have a “transitional relationship.” If your conscious aim is a lifetime companion, then simply pick candidates that share the exact same aim. Protect yourself (and them) in this way.

I am conscious of your nature, which is spiritual, physical and cerebral. The goodness of spirit guides you during meditation, and lessens your pain. Your body—the physical—takes action, walking through worldly motions, meeting candidates as necessary to gain experience. And your mind analyzes details and categorizes feelings, ascertaining that having a lifetime companion is among one’s most valuable missions. With ease and grace I envision your path unfolding before you, Warren.

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