November 2006

Dear Dale: My partner’s parents, who live one block from us, don’t want me in their home for Christmas celebrations this year because my father-in-law’s homophobic mother will be here from Baltimore. The woman is 88 years old, and terminally ill with cancer. My father-in-law recently patched up his relationship with her after decades of non-contact. She never approved of his marriage to my mother-in-law. My partner and I have been together eight years. We get along great. I feel respected in our relationship. Her parents gave us the down payment on our home as a gift. They include me in everything else. I know my father-in-law’s relationship with his mother is at stake. Our gay friends are completely freaked out about this. They say my in-laws have “bought” me. I guess it is not politically correct for a lesbian couple to spend one Christmas apart. I just want the right thing for my relationship and family. – Perplexed, via e-mail from San Francisco

Dear Perplexed: The overall context of your relationship with your partner and family seems healthy. You are all lucky to have each other, and it is important that your father-in-law and his mother make peace before she dies. Don’t confuse what’s right for your relationship with what is politically correct. The two are not always the same. Every couple needs to make certain choices on a case-by-case basis. If you two decide that you need to celebrate Christmas Eve and Day together this year, then perhaps you can be with your partner while grandma is resting, which may be often. This seems fairly easy given the proximity of your homes. Or you might spend this Christmas—just this once—with other family members or friends. Grandma doesn’t sound like too much fun anyway.

Dear Dale: I just found out that my boyfriend still has sex with his ex a couple of times each month. They lived together five years before they broke up in 2004. He tells me he will be monogamous with me if I want to become exclusive. I am already monogamous but haven’t told him yet. We have only had six dates, including three weekends together. I feel insecure because he has someone on the side, and he has a history with this man. But my question is, shouldn’t he stop seeing his ex without my asking? If he really cares about me, and wants a monogamous relationship, why doesn’t he act like it? – Uncommitted, via email from San Francisco

Dear Uncommitted: It is not unusual for two people to remain sexually nonexclusive for a period preceding monogamy. If you feel your relationship with this man holds true potential, then come clean now. Tell him that you are exclusive, and prefer that he reciprocate. Spend less time worrying about what your boyfriend is not doing, and take action that brings you together. He has already told you that he is willing. An exclusive arrangement speeds up the process of determining whether the match is right because it simplifies your circumstances and gives you more time together.

Dear Dale: I got upset from your response to Bed-widow in the October issue of ON. You supported their relationship even though her partner had moved into the guest bedroom. How can two people be married, and sleep separately? I left my partner several years ago for the same reason, and have no regrets. I say Bed-widow should tell her partner to go find her own place. – Firm, via e-mail from Hayward

Dear Firm: I respect your right to end a relationship because your needs were unmet. As a first choice, I encourage couples to stay together, and work through issues. But I realize, as in your case, this is not always possible.

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