October 2001

Dear Dale: I am age 46. I came out as a lesbian a decade ago. I have dated lots of different women. Friends introduced me to the woman I have been dating for a little more than six months. She is the most beautiful person I have ever known. She lights up rooms without trying. There?s a charisma about her that hypnotizes me. It?s the most passionate relationship I have ever had. But some issues are beginning to arise, and I thought you might comment.

I recently found out her earnings are significantly less than she initially told me. I have also found out that she cheated on her ex, and lied about it. (She is not aware that I know the truth.) But, forgive me; I am in love with her just the same. I want to help her, but don?t know how.

I have accomplished a great deal in my life that I would be willing to share with her. When I have gone to places like bars and benefits, I have felt out of place around other lesbians. But, with this woman, I feel at home (even if she has problems). Do you think there is hope for us? Or do think I?m hopeless? -- Barbara in Atherton via letter

Dear Barbara: I wish I could tell you that ?charisma? and ?hypnotism? are leading indicators for a lifetime of happiness together. But, alone, they are not enough. Boring as it seems, logic is important too. Communicate. Have a candid conversation with your girlfriend regarding the issues of concern. Give her a chance to explain. You two should enroll in some transitional couple?s therapy prior to making any commitment. Determine whether you are able to work through problems together. Discuss whether your lifestyles are complementary. Are you two people who want, and are ready, to be married? See how you both feel about each other another year down the line. Questions answer themselves over time.

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