October 2004

Dear Dale: I have lived with my partner more than three years. She doesn’t sleep well, and has awful nightmares. She gets upset with me for the smallest things, like yesterday when I put a steak knife in with the butter knives. Because I put a knife in the wrong compartment, she slept in the guestroom instead of with me. This is just one example. Another is the time she cut off the bottom of my slacks because I asked her to hem them for me on her sewing machine. She sews, and I don’t. But I take care of the cars, pay the bills, and give her massages. Maybe I am out of line in ways that I don’t realize. I am willing to talk about it and get help. Her father repeatedly molested her when she was an adolescent, and she is embarrassed to get therapy. What can I do, Dale? I am faithful to her, and would never give up on her. But sometimes I wonder why we have to suffer so much. Can you give me some ideas on what to do? –Suffering in Sunnyvale via letter

Dear Suffering: Over the past decade I have matched only three clients who are survivors of incest. So my experience in this area is very limited. However, I have learned that lack of trust, acting out, anger, and guilt can be common signs of incest. Each of my three clients had engaged a professional therapist, who specialized in incest recovery, and worked with their therapist for years before they were ultimately able to forgive and move on with their lives. In each case, while they disclosed their backgrounds to me, my clients had worked extensively on recovery before coming to me.

I admire your love for and commitment to your partner. There is no avoiding the difficult road ahead of you. But your partner can be healed from the trauma of incest. You two can stay together, enjoy your lives, and fall more deeply in love. You must go to a qualified therapist who specializes in incest recovery. Because my clients were living outside the Bay Area when they received special care, I cannot recommend a therapist locally. But, you can find an appropriate fit at www.gaylesta.org, which is a network of gay therapists across the Greater Bay Area.

I can guarantee you, based on the happiness of the few clients I know who share your partner’s background, that this is doable. But your partner must, absolutely must, seek help. If she does not, then I am sorry that I cannot look optimistically upon your chances for succeeding as a couple. However, I extend my heartfelt best wishes to you both. Take care, and write back periodically to let me know your progress.

<< Back To Advice Page