October 2005
Dear Dale: I have enjoyed your advice column in OutNow Magazine. I am a gay African-American male who is very alienated from the Gay Community (as well as the Black Community) and I can’t seem to immerse myself, meaning I have great difficulty associating with other gay men. I find that they have no individuality . . . no independence . . . no gumption. There are too many clones. No one wants to be their own person. Being strong is a crime. Why is it that having a strong personality means you are a bitch? I don’t need to watch “Buffy” or attach myself to a diva to get strength and aggression. It annoys me that gay men only accept aggression when they are in the bedroom. Come on . . . why is maturity such a dirty word? Sigh. I get so annoyed when other gay men are so intimidated by me because I don’t act “fabulous” or act like the typical “girlfriend” type you see on TV or in the media. Let’s grow up! It’s a good thing that I am a very independent person because as I get older the Gay and Black Communities are useless to me as I am to them. –James via e-mail
Dear James: Your email reminds me of the work of the late psychologist Abraham Maslow. He established a humanistic model called Hierarchy of Needs: 1) physiological needs, 2) safety needs, 3) belonging needs, 4) esteem needs, and 5) self-actualization. Maslow contends that the satisfaction of one need builds the platform for the next. So safety needs satisfy only after physiological needs are met and so on. Maslow would say, in your case, that without your belonging needs being met, you could never self-actualize. And he refers to any missing platform as a metapathology.
Though I enjoy using Maslow as a frame of reference, I know many cases in my matchmaking practice and elsewhere of individuals that self-actualize without first satisfying their belonging needs. I know a billionaire physicist that lived alone all his life since college in a one-room apartment. His mission imparts that people thrive without consumerism. He is certainly self-actualized, though both Maslow and a consumer-oriented society would disagree. And how about that political misfit Gavin Newsom who made marriage equality a reality even if briefly? He does not need to feel a sense of belonging to the status quo that undermines gay marriage. Is Gavin’s behavior therefore metapahthological?
Yet society’s view of the individual is Maslow-like. So when you refer to aggression, I certainly hope you do not violate people’s personal space. Remember, safety is Maslow’s second platform. If people do not feel safe when they are around you, then the relationship either deteriorates or never materializes in the first place. And, on this count, I agree with Maslow completely.
The main point to my reply, James, is that affiliating—creating a sense of belonging—is doable even if out of sequence. The physicist, by the way, no longer lives alone but with his committed partner. Gavin, of course, actually gained political strength by siding with the minority view. And so I envision you too creating a sense of belonging—attracting friends that fit, creating loving union with the right companion, and affiliating as a welcome member of the Gay Community. Thank you for reading my column, and sharing your point of view with us all.
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