October 2006

Dear Dale: My girlfriend loves me but is not “in love” with me. We moved in together in 2000 after dating two years. She is still very committed to our relationship. We also have great sex. I’ve asked her what is missing for her. She says, “it’s just a feeling and nothing that quantifies.” I believe she knows what the problem is, but doesn’t want to tell me in order to spare my feelings. She is much more physically attractive than I am, Dale. I’m not overweight, and I take great pains to dress well. But I am just not pretty or handsome. I never have been. She, on the other hand, is extraordinary. Do you have any couples like us, and do you have any advice? –Shadow in San Francisco via email

Dear Shadow: Love is never completely equal. Some people are more thinkers and others, feelers. This may be the case, you being the feeler. Give to your partner your heart, and contribute to her happiness in every way you know. Commitments sustain beyond that phase when passion ignites perfect. So does steadfast love surpass any other.

Dear Dale: In September you encouraged a man to ditch his partner with Alzheimer’s for another man. This is why I never committed to a partner. Those of us with more money have more to lose. This goes to show why not many gay relationships work. The guy who’s paying the bills doesn’t even get in return the right to die without his partner cheating on him. You claim to be some monogamy guru. I think not. –Regurgitating in San Francisco via email

Dear Reg: Complete mental incapacity the subject, I always wish for the remaining healthy partner to find someone wonderful to share their life with. Never do I imply that one “ditch” the other. If I were ever to become severely incapacitated by Alzheimer’s, then I would want my partner or some other family member to oversee my care. But I would also want my partner to move on with his life, including having intimate company. The sweetheart who wrote that letter deserves freedom and happiness, not indentured servitude and sadness.

Dear Dale: My partner moved all her stuff into the guest bedroom last week. She doesn’t want to sleep with me anymore. But she says she still loves me. We’re both retired now, in our late 70s. Neither one of us needs sex anymore. I really miss cuddling. I even miss her bad breath, which used to bother me to no end. Any advice? –Bed-widow in Cupertino via email

Dear Bed-widow: Whether two partners sleep together in the same bed is an issue in relationships. If you haven’t expressed your feelings to your partner, then do so. Inquire whether she might take a nap with you some afternoons. Sometimes she might cuddle with you for a while at bedtime before going to her own room. You might find a comfortable loveseat for your living room so that you can sit closely and hold hands. This is a good time to keep communication open, and be there for each other. By the way, many couples in their 70s and beyond still enjoy sex. You might want to reconsider this aspect of your relationship. Regardless, I encourage you to keep your commitment among your first priorities. And I envision you growing together, even as changes arise.

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