September 2003

Dear Dale: I consulted with you in 1999. You gave me lots of reasons why your program is a good "investment." The most important reason is that your clients think long term. You also said that a well-thought-out process "screens in" clients who are prepared for a commitment, and have nothing to hide. You went on to explain that abusers, etc., fear being revealed by a matchmaking process. I heard you, and almost enrolled. But I felt the fee was too high even though I had the money.

I brought in the New Millennium at a bar in the East Bay where I met my current partner. He is a sexy man (I will call him John). John is a bodybuilder. He dresses well. He always has a new car. He is very successful professionally and financially. John likes his big-ticket toys. But when it comes to friends or me, he never has an extra dollar to contribute. The way he hones his body and handles his finances is a metaphor for his life’s philosophy: Me, Me, Me!

I usually recognize narcissism when I see it. But I was blinded by my physical attraction to John. I decided to end this relationship in June of 2003. The decision-point was shortly after I bought us a gourmet pizza for dinner that cost $8 more than John likes to pay. The next month he deducted money from his contribution to our household account to reimburse himself for the pizza. He had just paid $1500 for a new racing bicycle, and was "tight on cash."

John spews derogatory comments to keep me off balance so he can feel stable by comparison. His abusiveness is escalating now because he does not like it that I am sleeping in the guest bedroom. This relationship has cost me greatly in real estate closing costs, moving expenses, gifts, vacations and therapy. And that is just monetary. I have paid a bigger price emotionally. I hope you will print this letter in your column, anonymously, because you get so many negative criticisms. Once on my own again, I am coming to you, Dale. Thank you for being there in OutNow year after year. You give me, and I am sure many others, hope. –You Were Right from San Ramon via letter

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