September 2004

Dear Dale: I live with a man who is enormously successful. We met in 2002 at a medical conference where I was representing a pharmaceutical company. Our relationship began that week with the most incredible, passionate sex I have ever had. Usually level-headed, I took a quick leap, sold my home in New Orleans, quit my job, and moved to San Francisco. But my partner is never home. He is becoming more of a workaholic than ever. Now he wants a new granite countertop in the kitchen to replace the nice one he had installed in 1999. He thinks the Mercedes 500 needs to be replaced by the 600 series. His wish list, of course, means working even harder. I love this man as much as life, Dale. I live in opulence. But I am miserable. We never have time together. In the eyes of our friends, I have got it made. They make light of my protests. How can I identify what is really going on? Am I just a whiner? Or will you validate my concerns? --Jamie via e-mail from San Francisco

Dear Jamie: A psychological construct is the process an individual uses to develop life’s missions and choose ways of fulfilling them. A construct is neither inherently good nor bad. It is what it is. Constructs are not necessarily conscious or articulate, but may be inferred from behaviors. For example, we could say—inferring from his behavior—that your partner’s primary psychological construct is a material one. He has a passion for material possessions, is impetuous regarding automobile purchases, is self-absorbed in work, and is controlled by always wanting more.

On the other hand, your primary psychological construct is relationship-oriented. You have a passion for intimacy, are careful about spending enough time with your partner, support the analysis of relationship issues, and demonstrate concern for your partner’s emotional well-being.

Your partner’s primary psychological construct may be subconsciously motivated by an avoidance of intimacy. He may feel if he garners material and financial resources, then he is okay, and so should you be content. This is how your friends and he may draw the implication that you have nothing to complain about so long as you live in material comfort.

Perhaps there are issues in your relationship of mutual cause that need to be addressed, and your partner does not want to face them. Or maybe—given the rapid speed with which you entered this relationship—you overlooked your partner’s inability to be intimate with anyone.

Express your need for more time with your partner. Tell him the ways in which he can show his love for you such that you will feel it. Ask him to enter couple’s therapy. If possible, find ways to excite him about being together more. You may benefit from knowing that regardless how much you love him, you cannot make him love you back in the same way unless he is able and chooses. In such a case, you would either need to accept your circumstances, or choose to move on.

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